Friday, January 30, 2009

Why I will never do it again.

Saturday morning I was a complete wreck. I stayed the night friday with Bruce* becuase I knew I would need a ride after the procedure was done. After talking the week previous it was decided that Bruce* (being the kind and generous person he is) would care for me on saturday and sunday. My mom took my son for the weekend and came up with a cover story for me to tell Baby Daddy. He really doesn't ever need to know.

Back to Saturday Morning. We were waiting outside of the clinic becuase we got there a little early. Finally the doors opened and we were allowed inside. EZ showed up shortly afterward.

I was called to the back for an ultrasound. They needed to determine how far along I was. It showed me to be between 5 and 6 weeks. Early. which should mean easy.

Through the question and answer process of the morning it came to their attention that I am allergic to both narcotic and opiate based drugs. They don't have any sedation methods that aren't narcotic or opiate based. I have to have this procedure done with no sedation. But they assure me that I am so early in my pregnancy that the local anesthetic that they will inject into my cervix should be enough.

Finally I am on the table. My legs are raised in that most unflattering pose. They hit me with the anesthetic and wait for it to take aaffect. My lips get tingly and go a little numb. This is an indication that the anesthetic is working. So they get started.

From the the very first I can feel everything that they are doing. The anesthetic didn't work. And since they had started they couldn't stop. I went through the entire procedure with no pain killer, no sedation, no anesthetic.

This was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. It was like having a womb filled with knives. The pain was unbearable. They had to hold me down. I was crying hysterically and screaming. There was nothing I or they could do.

Afterwards I had to walk to the recovery area. Where it was bitterly cold. They finally found a painkiller injection they could give me. But it was a low dose, and besides making me not care that I was in the midst of the most awful pain ever it didn't help. They couldn't prescribe me any painkillers for after either. I was sent home with the admonition to get a bottle of extra strength tylenol and to stay off me feet for the next two days.

I will never put myself through that again. I am on birth control now. A low dose pill. And if by some strange fluke that I ever do get pregnant again, I will keep the baby. Becuase giving birth and caring for a child is so much better than putting myself through that again.

I have not changed my views on abortion. I still believe that every woman has the right to make that choice for herself. I am that one in a million statisitc that is allergic to the most common piankillers, narctoics and opiate based drugs. So I am confident that very very few women ever have to experience the pain that I did.

I have been through it. I have made the choice both ways now. I anticipate that I will never have to make that choice again. As soon as I am old enough I am going to have a tubal ligation. For now I am on the pill.

It is at this point that I would like to take a moment and give a big heaping dose of giving credit where it is due.

Bruce* is amazing. I love him so much. Since our reconciliation he has been 100% supportive. He took care of me that weekend. And He did a better job than I think anyone else could have done. He was gentle and thoughtful. He kept my spirits up and keept me laughing. He provided me with so many distractions and ways to keep me entertained. And above all, he asked me how I was feeling. He let me talk about it. He let me cry. He let me laugh. He let me be myself. He is my best-friend. That weekend taught me that there is a depth to our relationship that we overlooked before. We truly are friends. Which is the most important thing in any relationship. I think we now know that there is more to US than sex. There is a deep and lasting friendship.

EZ has been just as amazing. She has also supported me. She has been my cheerleader. She is without a doubt the best Girl Friend I have ever had. She never berated me, she respects every choice I have made. I love her too. I well and truly love her.

My Mom is more amazing than I ever give her credit for. Sometimes she drives me nuts. But when I finally had the guts to tell her what I was doing she showed me a side to her that sometimes I forget about. She is my mom. She loves me without reservation. She had to have an abortion once too, and it helped to talk to her about it.

And lastly my Baby Sister, Sparky*. She too is an amazing person. She also supported me and helped me. She had an insight and wisdom that is beyond her years.

All in all I found that I have more supportive and caring people in my life than I could ever hope for. They have been awe-inspiring. Everyday since that horrible saturday morning I give thanks to the divine that I am so lucky to have these people in my life.

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Someone needs to speak up

As you may have heard I recently had an abortion.

The procedure was perfomed on Saturday morning.

I'm telling my story about why I decided to terminate my pregnancy becasue I think there hundreds of other women who have had to make this terrible decision, but are afriad to tell anyone. Also, becuase there are people who don't understand why some of us make this choice.

I made my choice becuase it was the logical thing to do. To be very honest if my situation were different I would not have had the abortion.

Let me explain.

I am a semi-single mom. My son's father does play an active role in our lives, and he does help to support our son. As a matter of fact he still lives with me. I hate it. We don't get along very well so we try as often as possible to not be home at the same time. And if we are we barely speak to one another. He is dealing with some major emotional issues that I think he needs professional help with. I have my own mental shit to deal with and if I am in his pressence for any longer than a minute he tries to talk about why our relationship ended. He is beating a dead horse. We have had this same conversation so many times I could do it in my sleep. It drives me nuts.

Now the ONLY reason he still lives with me is because I can not support my self and my son financially on my own. Which is sad considering I make good money. Recently my hours were cut from 40 or more a week to 35 or less, and I am in danger of needing to take another hour cut. Some people tell me to go looking for another job. HA! The job market in Las Vegas is the worst in the country right now. Our unemployment rate is hovering in the teens. At least 2 busineses close their doors every week. The lucrative jobs in the casinos are dissapearing. I am lucky that the company I work for is doing everything they can to keep form having to lay anyone off. I will gladly work for this company even if I'm only working 30 hours a week.

Why? Becuase right now it is better to work some where part time than to work no where full time. I will get to keep my benefits no matter how many hours they cut, and they have been very understanding with all the days I have had to take off recently. I count my lucky stars that I am gainfully employed and it will remain that way.

I have been taking a lot of time off recently for various reasons. The first is that I am in a court battle with my Ex-husband. Our divorced was finallized and I was awarded spousal support. He is refusing to pay. So now I have a lot of paperwork to fill out (becuase I can't afford a lawyer) and I have been to the courthouse so many times they know my face. I have a court date on Feb 17th. We'll see where it goes

The second reason is that back in December my son was tested for a learning disorder. Well at the beginning of this month They determined that he has a Developmental Delay. Which basically means if we don't start now on trying to help him it could turn into a learning disorder. So now he is enrolled in a Pre-K special education class. He goes 4 days a week for 2.5 hours a day. Lucky for me this program is through the school district. They provide transportation to and from his Daycare. The best part is that this is all free! WooHoo!

And the thrid reason is that I have been trying desperatley to better my living situation. This right now entails a bunch of different things. I applied for day care assitance. I finally got a lettter back about that. I am on the waiting list. I quaify but there is no funding at the moment. so I have to wait. I applied for Public housing. When I get into public housing I'll be able to support myself and my son. Which means no more living with Baby Daddy. Which will be so good for me. I called the housing authority and found out that they are 4 months behind on their application input so I may not even get on the waiting list till sometime in March. Which sucks. I was hoping to be moved by then. So now maybe I can work something else out for my living situation. It will take some major planning on my part but I maybe able to come up with a temporary fix till I can get into public housing.

The fourth reason is that I have had a lot of doctors appointments myself. In decemeber I went in for a routine Pap smear. At that same appointment I talked to my Doc about going on Birth control (haha). We decided to wait on my pap results before choosing a method. I wanted an IUD but I guess it's not good for everyone. So At the begnning of this month I got a call that my pap came back with some abnormal cells. which could indicate either HPV or cervical cancer. I was completely freaked by this becuase cervical cancer runs in my family. Well An update on that: I called to talk to my doc about coming in for a check up after my abortion, and ended up talking to her boss. My doc is on vacation this week. He talked to me about my pap. I guess they resent the smear to the lab and did some further testing. They did not find any indication of HPV or cancerous cells. So for now I have nothing to worry about from that end.

Also I have started seeing a therapist becuase I'm not coping very well with everything that has been going on.

Now we come down to the explaination of why all these things contributed to my choosing to get an abortion.

I can not in good faith have another child right now. I can't support the child I have right now on my own. Why would I make things even more difficult by having another child? Mentally I am not in a place where I can take care of another child. I am barely handling the one I have now. Plus at the time I found out I was pregnant Bruce* wasn't talking to me, and I had no reason to believe that he ever would again. I couldn't bring his child into this world with out his knowledge.

So now we come down to the nitty gritty.

I do not believe in abortion as a method of birth control. I think women who willy nilly go around having un protected sex and then using abortion as birth control are ignorant selfish people. I do not regret having unprotected sex with Bruce*. I knew the risks when we did it. For me sharing that ultimate bond with him was an amazing spiritul experience. I will never regret it. But I have learned my lesson. I am now on birth control, becuase apparently I am pretty damned fertile.

Speaking of spirituality. In my religion it is believed that a child does not have a soul until it takes its first breath. I have been taught that two souls can not exist in the same body, it would drive the minds of both mother and child insane. The soul of a child isn't choosen until birth and doesn't enter the body until the first breath of life. So spiritually I am ok with my choice.

I never even entertained the thought of adoption. Emotionally I would never be able to do it. I couldn't carry a child for 9 months and then give it life and them give that life into someone else's hands. No way. No way in hell. I would never be able to deal with it.

The point I am trying to make with this is that sometimes, for some women, abortion is the only option. These women are most likely in a situation like mine. Oh they maybe married, or they maybe single. Maybe they are perfectly fine financially, but mentally and emotionally not able to be a mother. Maybe they were raped and could never live with a daily reminder of that horrendous act. I know I wouldn't be able to. No matter what their situation no matter who they are, they are still good people. They are strong women.

Having an abortion is not as easy as most people think. Physically it is exhausting and painful. The recovery time from an abortion is longer than giving birth. Emotionally and mentally it is such a trying experience. I will forever live with the "What if". What if I had made another choice. I will live forever with the stigma of having chosen an abortion.

I do not regret having it done. But I can say that I will never do it again.

Tomorrow I will post about my actual experience. It was harrowing to say the least.

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

A very cool contest

So again I am led to an awesome new blog through one of my favorite bloggers, MWOB.

This Blog is called 7 Clown Circus. It's a very cool blog from yet another mom. I'm thinking about starting a blog circle, Moms. Thats it. no other modifiers. Just blogs from moms (and dad's) so I guess it would be parents. well... that just about covers all the blogs I read anyway. LOL

So over on 7CC she is running a pretty cool contest for a pretty cool bracelet. Click Here to check it out

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Friends... (the super long post)

Yesterday was my friend's birthday.

I'm not sure how old he is. Simply because age for me is really just a number. My friends range in age from a lot younger than me to quite a bit older than me. But we all have one thing in common, and its that one thing that keeps us coming back to each other.

Its called friendship.

Webster's defines friendship as:
Friend"ship\, n. [AS. fre['o]ndscipe. See Friend, and -ship.]
1. The state of being friends; friendly relation, or attachment, to a person, or between persons; affection arising from mutual esteem and good will; friendliness; amity; good will.
There is little friendship in the world. --Bacon.
There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity. --Rambler.
Preferred by friendship, and not chosen by sufficiency. --Spenser.
2. Kindly aid; help; assistance, [Obs.]
Some friendship will it [a hovel] lend you gainst the tempest. --Shak.
3. Aptness to unite; conformity; affinity; harmony; correspondence. [Obs.]
Those colors . . . have a friendship with each other. --Dryden.

hmmm. very intellectual way of putting it.

I am especially fond of the 3rd definition. "Aptness to unite; conformity; affinity; harmony; correspondence". Well, all except the conformity part. But the "Aptness to Unite" is so true for my friends. If one of us is ever in need and we can pull together to make that need be met... by golly we do it. Affinity, Harmony, Correspondence; those are the perfect three words (in my opinion) to describe friendship.

Think of who your best friend in this whole wide world is and see if those words don't describe the kind of relationship you have with him/her.

Go on... I'll Wait....

See what I mean? Heck those three words even describe the relationship you have with just plain old friends. (and by "plain old" I imply that these people are your friends but not listed in the "best friends, know every dirty detail of your life" category)

Friendship for me is not something I take lightly. I can categorize my friends very easily.

(I know this sounds like a repeat of a previous post but bear with me)

There are 2 main categories of Friends, and within those categories there are sub-categories.

The first and most common category is labeled "Friends"
These are the people I have an everyday acquaintance with. We probably don't hang out much outside of the time we already spend together (I.E. work, church, community groups, social groups, yada yada). I include my bloggin-buddies in this group. I know that we probably know more about each other than people we see everyday, but I seriously doubt that we will ever see one another face to face. Why? Because we enjoy our anonymity.

And even though I enjoy a kind of part time friendship with these people I would extend my hand to them with no less trepidation than I would to those people who fall into my other category of friends. Which means, I will do anything within my power to help with whatever I can. I never expect anything back, nor do I seek recognition for the deeds I have done. It is the very simple nature of the giving person. I like to make others happy, and I especially like to do it if they are my friends.

Category Number 2 is labeled as "Close friends"
These are the people I may not see everyday, but would like to. They are few and far between. The number of people in this category has never risen above 5. maybe. probably more like 3 or 4. There are some very specific rules about getting into this category. Hell I don't even know what those rules are. I put an almost ridiculous amount of faith in these friendships. Once I count someone as a close friend I don't even think about never talking to them again. I always assume that we sill stay in contact no matter what. Why? Well because these are the people I will forgive, always. they can do wrong, but I never hold it against them. We as humans are flawed.

Ok wait let me amend that. I will almost always forgive. There a few, very few who made it into my circle of close friends and then were subsequently booted. The most recent being my best friend from high school. She and I were best friends from the first day we met until our last and final fight. Which wasn't much of a fight but still it ended with her moving to another state and not even telling me. It ended with a promise made years ago (to be each other's maid of honor) broken on both sides. It ended the friendship in its then current incarnation. About 4 years after our falling out we started emailing each other again, but I doubt that we will ever be the kind of friends we once were.

To get into this circle is not easy. I learned growing up that not all the people who say they are your friends actually mean it. So I am actually rather picky about who gets to see the real me. The un-edited me. Me in all my crazy-loyal-trusting-gullible glory.

My close friends are held to higher standards than other friends. Why? because they should be. Somehow or another they proved themselves to be better than all the other people I acquaint myself with. Which means I expect nothing less than what they already have to offer. sounds confusing even to me. I can't explain it any better than that.

So if I only expect from these people what they have already proven themselves to be, then why on earth are they always the ones that hurt the most? When I lose a friend from this category (even if it isn't my fault) I feel bereft. When the loss of a close friend is my fault... well lets just say its not pretty. I count myself lucky that I haven't had a close friend die on me. Shit... shouldn't have said that....

I have been brooding over this for about a month now. I think I may have lost a close friend. Not just a close friend but someone who held the coveted "best friend, like a sister" spot. She is my son's god-mother. A few months ago she moved across the country. We used to talk damn near every day, then it trickled down to about once a week, and then it stopped completely. She never returns my calls, or my emails, or my text messages. I really could have used her in the last few weeks, but I could never get a hold of her.

Inside I am devastated. I'm crushed. I trusted her with the spiritual well being of my child. I depended on her to be my crying shoulder. I floundered for a little bit, even before all the drama of the last month or so. There were times when I just wanted to stay up late with her on the phone and talk about everything that has been going on. But the last time I actually talked to her was the beginning of October.

In everything that has happened a new being left the ranks of "Friend" and joined the ranks of "Close Friend" and then in no time flat she gained the coveted "Best friend, like a sister" title. and all without my knowledge... sneaky... very sneaky. For those of you who can't guess, that would be EZ. I can tell her anything. Hell I find it easier to talk to her than to talk to my own mother.

She has been priceless. There was a time when if you told me she would be one of my most trusted confidants I would have laughed at you. She was (and probably still is) SOOOOO out of my league. Super intelligent, Crazy cool under pressure, and the most diplomatic person I know. She can soothed ruffled feathers without anyone noticing. She is one of those people that others just flock to. You can't help it. She has an amazing charisma. Sometimes I fell like the dumpy hanger on when I am around her. She never makes me feel that way, I just stand back and get a good look at the situation. Its one of those "things at make you go hmmm" moments.

We'll be sitting in a bar full of people, she is engaging in the best, most intriguing conversation with a group of people, and I am just tagging along for the ride. Or with my super shitty luck, I get cornered by the drunk guy who wants to expound on the many great attributes of something or another.... And no matter what I try this guy just doesn't get it. And there I am watching her being amazing.

Without her I would never have gotten into performance poetry.
Without her I am fairly certain I would have been a complete emotional wreck in the last few weeks.

Right now that circle of close friends is tiny, well ok so it usually tiny. Right now I can count 3.5 people in that circle. (.5? WTF)

ok let's do the math:
0.5 = My son's God-Mother. I'm not sure where our friendship is headed but since at any moment She can call me and I'll act like nothing happened She gets to get to keep a .5.
1.0 = EZ. need I say more
1.0 = Bruce*. He is my best friend, as he should be. I can talk to him about anything anytime. No judgements.
1.0 = Steve*. He is a hard one to explain. I would never have met him if it weren't for EZ. Somehow he snuck into the Circle. Don't ask me how, I can't explain it.

And that's it. I don't count my family in my Circle mainly because I didn't get to choose them. I love my family, even if they are the craziest most insanely weird people I know (and that's saying something), but they have to be my friends. They have no choice in the matter. Ok maybe that's not true, but that is fodder for another blog...

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

International Readers

A few months ago I added the Feddjit Traffic Map. I had seen it on a few other blogs and thought it was cool. I never imagined that when I added mine I would get international readers. I thought maybe tops I would get some Canadian hits. But I have been keeping track of where my readers are coming from. Ok maybe they are not regular readers but it sure does do the Ego nice when you see that you have at least one hit from every continent in the world.

As I guessed I get a ton of hits from all over the US and a few from Canada.

But today I looked at the little map thingy and saw that there were little red dots all over!!

Brazil, South Africa, Saudi Arabia, The United Arab Emirates, India, Germany, The Netherlands, France, Sweden, the UK, The Philipines, Hong Kong, Australia.

Man that feels good!!! Now if only I could get those readers to comment.

What would they say? Do they like my blog? Do they think I'm just a scatterbrained American? And where the eff are my homies from Ireland?

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

New stuff

Ok it's been a while since I last posted an update tp the sotry I have been writing on my other blog.

So without further ado:

Chapter Three

Other than that there isn't much new to report.

Still a crazy chick, that isn't really crazy.

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

Monday, January 19, 2009

The Fates are strange weavers...

Anyone who knows anything about the three Fates knows that they spin, weave and cut the threads that make up our lives, and they have a very strange sense of humor.

A few weeks ago I was devastated by the news that the man I love, the man I cherish, the man I can see myself spending the rest of life with no longer wanted to be romantically involved with me. He wanted to remain friends and still see each other on a social basis. But not date or have "relations".

This crushed me; along with all the other changes in my life and a very unexpected hormone supply it caused me to swing into a downward spiral of self destruction. a week later I lost it completely. I went completely gonzo nuts. I lost friends, I lost perspective, and I lost my mind.

The result of that was me putting myself into therapy. I knew I needed it. The first session went amazingly well. My second session was like breathing fresh air for the first time in years. I'm looking forward to the next one.

But therapy is not the only thing that has my spirits up.

oh no.

The fates got busy up there with their tapestry of life and twisted my thread once again. They gave me back what I had thought lost forever. (no not my sanity!)


On Friday morning I got a very cute picture message from him. It was the first contact I'd had from him for almost a week. I replied that it was cute and asked him how he was. (very civil) He replied and asked the same in turn. I told him I was doing better but that I needed to talk to him about something. it was too important to talk about over text messages. We decided to meet for lunch.

I had some rather big news for him. Something I had only shared with my sister Sparky and EZ. Something I wasn't even sure how he would react to.

Yeah I know the suspense is killing you

So we meet for lunch and they take our drink orders. he asks me whats up.

I look at him blankly and begin to stutter. This is the hardest thing I could ever tell someone.

Finally I just let it out:

"I'm pregnant. And I can't keep it."

he looks at me for minute. Then he says


We talk about it some more and the decision is made that we'll split the cost of the procedure. After lunch we sit in the parking lot and talk for 2 hours before my appointment to meet EZ at the clinic to get the official test done and make the appointment.

In that talk something comes to light that I knew all along but was just waiting for him to clue in on; He still loves me.

Love is a very strange emotion, for some it is the best thing in the world and for others it is scary as hell, and for others its both at the same time.

Bruce joins me and EZ at the clinic to await the results. They comeback positive.

For those of you who are pro-life: I'm sorry. I thought about this long and hard I went back and forth with it in my brain. The only logical choice I have is to terminate the pregnancy. Where I am at financially and emotionally I just can't handle another kid. Adoption was suggested to me. But I can't give life to a child and then give that child up. No way. "your stealing a life away!" well I don't exactly believe that. In my religious beliefs I'm taught that a soul can not enter the body until it takes it's first breath. Which to me makes sense.

ok enough philosophical mumbo jumbo.

Back to Bruce*.

After the clinic the three of us go out for coffee. and afterwards Bruce* and I again park in a parking lot and talk for another 2 hours.

the outcome of all this talking is that We are going to try get our relationship back on track. This means that we have to build a new stronger base to the relationship (his words, mind you). So we begin a new journey.

This journey will be the ride of our lives. SO much is going to change for me in the next few months. Having him with me is going to make the transition easier. I hope he has his seat belt on because I'm going into full girlfriend mode.

This means more dates, actual real dates that include dinner and the occasional movie. It will include doing things together that we both enjoy, and sometimes just tagging along with each other to things we don't enjoy. It means being completely honest and not keeping the tears at bay when you want to cry. it means talking about EVERYTHING. no more keeping stuff inside because you think the other one won't understand how you feel. and it means lots more quality time together.

My vows for this go around:
-I know that sometimes I am a financial burden. If I can not pay for myself (and my son if he goes with us) then I won't agree to go out.
-I am going to cook more. So often when we spent the weekends together we would get fast food. I know how to cook, I'm a pretty damned good cook. Why haven't I been cooking before? Old habit I guess.
-I am going to suggest more activities that require us to think. Sitting at home and watching movies is nice once in a while, but we both used to be very active people but have gotten out of the habit because of our past relationships. Now we need to break free of that and start getting back into those things we like to do.
-I promise to fight everyday for the man I love. I will no longer listen to the nay-sayers and hard-hearted cynics when they speak and say that love is easily replaceable. I have learned my lesson. there is no sushi, no chocolate, no cup of coffee in the world that can replace love and intimacy with the one you love.

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I know what it is now

For the first time in weeks I can breathe.

I had my first appointment with my therapist today. After everything that has happened in the last few weeks I finally broke down and realized that neither I nor my friends can handle what's going on with me.

Don't get me wrong, my friends have been great. Very supportive and have helped me a good deal. But it seemed like I was spiraling out of control. I couldn't really point my finger to one thing in my life and say "That's what's wrong with me". So many things happened all at once.

After my shameful actions this weekend I decided I needed professional help. I haven't blogged about what happened because I can't even bear to think about it. I said horrible nasty un-true things to people I care about. I lost my perspective.

After talking to Mr. T* (that's my therapist) I can finally put a name and face to everything going on inside of me.


plain and simple. Its the grief over a lost life. My life. All the pent up emotions from my parents recent divorce. the emotions I never handled about my ex-husband or Baby Daddy*. The pulling away of my family. The possibility of cancer. My son's development issues. My son's Godmother, who was like a sister to me, hasn't contacted me in months but I find out she talks damn near everyday to a person who wasn't even a close friend of ours. Its realizing that the support network I had come to rely on was no longer there. Its having to apply for all the aid and welfare. all of that and the cherry too. The cherry being that I screwed up what could have been the best relationship I will ever have. Yeah Bruce*. Tonight I realized that I may have fucked things up beyond repair with him, but that eventually I'll be ok.

One day I'll be able to listen to music again.

One day I'll stop crying, but it's ok to cry now.

One day I'll feel better.

ok I already feel better. Just having someone to talk to like Mr. T* is amazing. After a single session with him I feel like a weight has been lifted. Not all the weight, but some of it. In an hour and a half he made me realize something, its ok.

Thats it. just that "its ok".

Its ok to be sad and crazy over a man I love.
Its ok to be selfish. (to a point)
Its ok to be weepy.
Its ok to be weak.
Its ok to work fulltime make, good money and still need aid.
Its ok to worry that your going to screw your kid up
Its ok to be angry.

He thinks I'm taking all the right steps to improve my life. I just need to be patient and keep plugging away at the system.

Monday is my next session. He's going to hypnotize me... Cool huh!
He's also a licensed hypnotherapist. He is going to be working on some of my bad habits. see if we can't break them.

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

My New "Friend"

I would like to introduce you all to my new friend. His name is Harry. I'm not going to change his name to keep his privacy because he doesn't care if I do. As a matter of fact I am posting a picture of him:Harry the Husky. He's a webkinz. The first one I have ever owned and probably the only one I would want to own. Unless they come out with a wolf or something. He was a gift from my friend EZ who knows me better than probably anyone else. The picture was taken on my desk. the paper work you see here is a very very very small portion of the paperwork that lives on my desk on a permanent basis. The photo in the background is a picture of the sister I never talk to and her fiance.

I'm not sure how Harry is going to take part in my life, but I think you will be seeing more of him.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Developmental Delays

So today was my meeting with the specialists who assessed my son for a developmental delay. A month ago he went and was tested you can read all about it here.

When I told people what I was doing it seemed most people fell into two categories.

The first were the people who fed my fears. They pointed out all the little things about my son and attributed them to every disorder known to man. I heard everythng from a physical speech impediment to mild autism. Eventually I stopped talking to these people because I was already freaking out and didn't need anymore worked up.

The second group of people fell into the "he'll grow out of it" category. They would say things like "he's only three" or "your over reacting" or "its nothing" or "some people are just late bloomers" I almost listened to them. I almost didn't take him in. But i'm glad I did becuase other wise I would have obsessed that I never got him checked out.

I didn't have to brng him to the apointment so I took him to daycare. I also had a million things to today so it was easier to take him to daycare. They ushered me back to the room of paperwork. I sat down and every specialist in the building came in and sat down. Each of them took turns and explained their portion of the the evaluation to me. I knew within the first five minutes what was going on.

DJ has a developmental delay. The way they explained it is this: he is an "at risk" kid, rather than a "special needs" kid. His delay is mild but worrisome enough that they want to nip it in the bud. If left unchecked it could lead to problems in his learning skills later.

He as a delay in his speech pattern that does not allow him to vocalize double consanant sounds like "st" as in "stop" or "th" or even "pl" as in "play". his brain drops one of the sounds. so instead he'll say "sop" or "pay" and sometimes his brain replaces some sounds with other sounds like "spoon" comes out as "foon". Also his cognitive sklls are behind where they should be, even if he was a slow starter, by this point he should be able to recognize and identify simple shapes. But he can't seem to be able to. And his fine motor skills are a little behind. They are not as worried about the cognitive and fine motor skills as they are about his speech.

So as soon as I have an epi-pen for him to take to school (he has a severe allergy to peanuts) he will be in a special pre-k program specifically designed for kids like him.

So its not as bad as it could be. And I'm not as freaked out as I thought I would be. I'm actually relieved.

He should be in his classes by sometime next week. I'm picking up his epi-pen either tomorrow or thursday.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Why that one?

I have often pondered to my self why I decided to go with the title "So Sue Me!"

When I was a kid I loved telling that to people who were getting annoyed with my antics.

Mom: "Stop climbing in that tree your wearing a dress!"
Me: "So sue me!"

An Ex: "Your being a bitch"
Me: "So sue me!"

Shit like that. I'm sure I use it out of context. but who gives a fuck. I love the play on me name.

It could have been alot worse:
Here are some I was considering:

Sue's Words (blah)
Sue-per Blog (fucking geek)
Suzi's Sizzling Synapsis (wow uber-geek)

Now that I have been bloggin for 5 months now here are some that would be appropriate:

Sue Puts Her Foot in Her Mouth Again!
Psycho Sue and Her Crazy Ways
Sappy Sue's
WTF Did She Just Say?

Oh the list goes on and on... Do you have any auggestions?

Oh and guess what. My happy ass jumped on the twitter bandwagon. I have been listening to NPR all week (mostly because the radio sucks ass and I can't listen to my favorite station with out sobbing uncontrolablly). It seems like everytime they do a show about technology twitter is mentioned. Some of my favorite bloggers are on twitter. Like EZ, and That Girl, and Horrible License Plates. So what the hey. Why the hell not.

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

Fucking spammers

I have been getting spam in my comments sections recently. so in an effort to cut down on it. I am going to moderate all my comments. Since I'm not really online that much on the weekends any comments you leave on saturday or sunday may not post till the following monday. Never fear faithful readers I will get every one of your adoring comments and they will all be posted. as long as its not spam.

the writing begins

Ok so I was given some advice to use my emotions and write. So I laid my fingers on the keyboard and began.

In my head a story began to grow. It was like the first seedling of spring, green and tiny and unsure. but the longer I typed the more it grew. I have posted 2 chapters already. I'm going to try to post everyday (except on the weekends). we'll see where this thing goes.

Chapter One

Chapter Two

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

When something is broken...

When something is broken you fix it. I'm kinda broken. Somewhere the ability to keep the crazy person who lives in my head locked up where she belongs left me. Its very strange. I have known her my whole life. I see her as a part of me. but I know that other people shouldn't see her. I hate it when she gets loose. mostly because of the horrified looks I get.

so now its time to lock her up for good. I'm going to see a locksmith about making a stronger box to keep her in. He may suggest that I get rid of her all together. which is fine with me, if it can be done.

For now I am going to be focusing on my writing. there may not be much here to see. I'll keep you all updated on the outcome of DJ's development assessment. I get those results tomorrow. I am going to have to delay my procedure to find out what exactly my bad pap means. Its not something I want to do but I have to. just one of those things.

Once I get that rescheduled I'll let you know.

for now my blog-friends. Many well wishes. I'm not leaving, I just won't be "here" as often. I'll still read faithfully and I may even start commenting more regularly.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

bloggin on the weekend

I don't usually blog on the weekend. but I'm addicted now. I am offically cancelling the caption contest. I've got too much going on to keep it going.

so here are some updates.

Apparently I'm not nearly as strong as I think I am. I gave in on a bunch of things this weekend. I'm smoking again. which sucks. but I found a program I am going to try. but I have to put it on hold till my next check. costs a little dough that I can't spend right now.

and I cried over Bruce* again. Friday night I went to the movies with EZ. it was supposed to be with EZ and Steve. but I think I pissed Steve off when I defended myself to him. He was ragging on me about my priorities. He thinks I should put my plans to go back to school before everything else. but I have to get my living situation straightened out and my money problems on their way to being fixed. He kept saying that the other things were not as important as going to school. He made me feel like a stupid little kid and I was getting tired of it. This all happened over dinner. afterwards he left and hasn't talked to me since.

Between dinner and the movie EZ and I had some time. so we wandered around the bookstore and then grabbed a cup of coffee. While inside I kept seeing things I would have got him. Things that would have made my Valentine's day plans perfect. we were sitting out side drinking our coffee and I just broke down. I'm so crazy. I going insane. I thought I was doing ok but apparently i'm not.

I told her everything about what's going on in side my head. Everything about how my family is slowly pulling away from me. Everything about how much it hurts that I love Him and he doesn't love me. I'm crying again while I write this.

I realized two things that night.

1. not all of my "freinds" really want to give me their support. I'm not talking about money or time really. Just their moral support.

2. Some of my friends really are my friends.

Remember "He who shall not be blogged about"? Charlie*. Yeah he must be psychic or something. He called me the night Bruce* broke up with me. Said he just wanted to see how I was doing. Felt like he should call me. I lost it. told him everything. He has called me everyday since then just to listen to me. He's going through something very similar with his ex-wife. So we talk. sometimes I cry and he tells me its ok to cry and its ok to be crazy. Turns out he is one of my bestfriends.

The being friends thing with Bruce* is doing ok. Sometimes it hurts a little (ok sometimes it hurts alot, but its better than not having him at all.

What it comes down to I guess is that I'm not super woman. I'm going to do things my way and if other people thinks its stupid then that's ok. They can keep thinking that. If they think I'm just some little girl who doesn't know anything about the world, they can keep thinking that too. I may not be as smart as them about politics and law and all that other shit, but I am smart about what I know. And I know what I am doing is right. I know how I feel and noone can understand it but me. They may think I'm acting like a little high school girl whose boyfriend broke up with her. fine. let them think it. I feel pity for them. Becuase obviously they have never touched the beauty of true love.

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

the DT's suck ass

Ok i'm writting as the day goes on friday and will schedule it to post on saturday. I haven't had a smoke since last night. and I am going through some serious DT's. I'm shakey. My mind is in a million places. My mouth keeps watering at the thought of a smoke. and I am snapping at everyone. even my super-cool boss. No one batted an eye when I put the office ass-hole in his place this morning, But L Dogg seemed a little hurt that I snapped at him. Sorry dude its not you its my stupid addiction breaking down in my body.

How am I doing this? A girlfriend asked me that last night. well Water, Mints, Walking, Blogging and Friends.

Water: One of my biggest problems is that I smoke like a fiend when I drive. so instead of carrying cigs around now I am carrying a watter bottle. Everytime I get the urge to light up I sip my water. This a very healthy alternative.

Mints: Throughout the day as I sit at my desk I get urges to smoke. When I am at home I need a cigarette to take a break with. so instead of stepping out side to smoke... I'll pop a mint and grab my trusty water bottle. This should help re-route my brain's nottion that when I need a break I should smoke. to when I need a break I should pop a mint and relax on the couch.

Walking: While at work the biggest draw for me is my 2 ten mintues breaks. They are spaced at just the right times that as soon as it is starting to get too much (dealing with the office ass-hole daily wears me down). I can step out side and light up... well no more. Now instead I will be walking for ten minutes. This can only be accomplished by the fact that I take massive amounts of pain killers and inti-inflamatories in the morning. The entire left side of my lower body is messed up in some small way or another... from hip to shin. (the ankle is pretty good so I count my lucky starts)

Blogging: When it gets to be too much and I don't think I can resist, I'll log on and write something. Again creating a different way for my body and mind to cope.

Friends: It is their support I will need the most. I love having cheerleaders! Priase is the best way to motivate me. So hearing my best friend say "Good Job" means a shitload more to me than hearing my self say it. After all I lie to my self all the time.

Sigh... So today (friday) I saw Bruce* for the first time since last sunday. We had some more stuff of each other's to exchange. It was both and easier and harder than I thought it would be. I didn't even tear up. Hell I'm not tearing up now... But I wanted so much to just hug him. (big no no....) I have to learn to keep my hands to myself as far as he is concered. It would be easier to give into him than it would be to light up another smoke.... SO in the interest of my new found lease on life... I'll keep my hands to myself. *SIGH* really I just want to hold him close. sex is not even on my playlist. just some cuddling. I'll miss that the most. whoops.... eyes are getting wet.. gotta go and keep the no crying streak going... I'm up to 1.5 days now......

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

Friday, January 9, 2009

The new life

Today starts Day number one of my new life. Remember those new years resolutions? Well Today starts the stop smoking one. I had my last cigarette last night. I'm doing this for a lot of reasons, but I think number one its for my son. I set the example for him.

Another big step... A couple of days ago I applied for public housing. The website says that it could be 2 months beore I get it. which is perfect becuase there are somethings I still need to do before I move out of my old place. I still have to primer 2 of the bedrooms. and I need to do some yard work. Not to mention start packing. Yikes. This means another round of "keep it or toss it". this should be fun.

And yet another step... Yesterday I picked up the childcare assistance forms. holy crap I think they want a vial of my blood to keep on file... and I thought divorce papers were monsterous!

Speaking of Divorce.... Finally I have the time to go back to the court house and file those last few papers to get the ex-hubby to pay his court assigned support checks. Whew hopefully I'll see some progress on that before March LOL

Next Friday (the 16th) I go in for that procedure. I've got my fingers crossed that the results on my Pap were a false positive. If not... well its just one more thing. and not a very big one. If its only HPV (the virus that causes cervical cancer) then I'm in the clear. its very treatable. If it is the Big C. I'll laugh in its face. as it turns out almost all of the women on my mom's side have battled this particular form and survived. I've got the odds on my side.

hmmm... what else... oh yeah working with a couple of rescue shelters to find homes for the kitties. I decided to find homes for all of them. I'm ok with it becuase I am going through rescue shelters. I know they will find the right homes for all of them. I decided that with all the other things going on I'm just not going to have the time (or money) they need.

and the big one... a new car. ok its not a new car but it will be mine. Bought and Paid for. "How?" you ask. Ahhh.. one of my friends has been very supportive through this trying time and has offered to loan me the money I need for the car. My friend even thinks my terms are too strict LOL. Needless to say I am very indebted. Babysitting free for life!!!

There are other things I am working on too. But they are going to be slow in the making and really all depend on how things go with all the other things.

This is the year of Change! I am hopefull! A new president (that I voted for. wahoo). A new life for me and DJ. And of course finally peace of mind. I thought I would be more upset with having to get as much state aid as I am applying for but surprisingly I'm not. I have worked full time since the day I turned 16. I served in the US military. I have paid my taxes every year. I think I deserve a break.

Go Me!!

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Letter Games

One of my most faithful readers Dzzblnd has challenged me to a word/letter game. The point of the game is to come up with 10 words that start with a particular letter. The letter she challenged me to is "L". She had the letter "G" read her post here.

1. Love (makes the world a better place)

2. Laughter (makes your soul happy)

3. Lima (as in beans I love 'em)

4. Lewd (my vocabulary usually is)

5. L Dogg (my boss who is probably the coolest boss in the world)

6. Limmerick (both an awesome poetry format and the county in Ireland where my family comes from)

7. Lap (as in a place for your kids to sit)

8. Limpet (those little shell thingies that grow on the bottom of the ocean floor and on coral reefs I used to collect shells and these were my favorite)

9. Leap (of faith)

10. Little (guy. as in my son.)

so there it is. my list. If you want to play the game just post a comment and I'll send you a letter. Be sure you post a link to my blog if you play the game.

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Tragedy in Texas

One of my favorite bloggers, Travis Erwin, has experienced probably one of the greatest tragedies a man can endure. Hi home burned down on Sunday January 4th. Some of his close friends have put together a blog and fundraiser. The only things he is asking for right now are books and toys for his sons. They lost literally everything in the fire. You can read his blog about what he needs here. I encourage all of you to help him. He is a great inspiration to hundreds of bloggers.

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

I'm a psycho nut-bag

So I was reading back over some of my blogs... ok ok lets be honest. I was reviewing all the blogs I had ever written about Bruce*. HEY I told you I was a psycho nut-bag...

here are the ones I found most interesting

The men in my life

Shakespeare aint got nothing on me

A blast from the past and what could be the begining of round 2

WOW is all I can say

The Things we say

I cried the whole time. I read every damn blog I ever posted. I watched myself blossom from a slightly skeptical (close to cynical) girl to a woman completely in love. And the part that kills me is that I don't blame him at all. I don't even blame myself. I can't place blame anywhere except on the exceptionally shitty luck I have.

I asked EZ on sunday how long she thinks it will take before I stop crying every time I think about anything that reminds me of him. For crying out loud, yesterday I was in a drive-thru at lunch (fotune smiled upon me I had 6 bucks to spend on lunch) and in front of me was green Jeep Grand Cherokee. Nothing like his Jeep. But I cried all the same. maybe its becuase I'm so close to my period. All I know is that nothing has ever hurt this bad....

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Happy Fucking New Year

My new year started out on the most awesome note ever.

At midnight I kissed the man I love. Fell asleep in his arms feeling loved, woke up in his arms felling loved. New years day was spent in his presence. All day. It was great. We lounged and watched movies and almost all of season 2 of "Heroes". We made dinner together. Ok so he reheated some left over stew and I put a bagged salad in a bowl, but still it was nice. That night EZ picked me up because she wanted to get me and the rest of the girls from our Sunday night women's group together. I kissed Bruce* good-bye and we exchanged I Love Yous.

We went to this great little bar that we had never tried before. The service was excellent and the drinks were plentiful (thanks EZ!). She wanted to get us together to tell us that she would be leaving the group. Her life is in a bit of turmoil and can't dedicate the time needed for it. fuck that sucks.

Friday was spent with my son. I had thought I would be going back to spend the rest of the weekend with Bruce* but he had to work Friday and was very tired when he got home and so the decision was made to take a break. That's cool. I understand how hard he works and he was supposed to be off on Friday and ended up having to work.

Friday night Baby Daddy gets home (remember we still live together) and he starts in on this long stupid redundant emotional conversation about if there is or was ever a chance for our relationship to work. He accuses me of making a fool of him by dating guys and having a boyfriend. It is mentally exhausting. We are up till 2 am going back and forth, back and forth. oh and lets please add that at some point that day my Dr. called me to tell me that I need schedule a procedure because my last Pap came back bad. That it is one of two things. HPV or cervical cancer and they need to take more cultures. That sucks fucking donkey balls.

Saturday morning I wake to find that Baby Daddy called in sick to work. I'm not even up 10 minutes and he starts in on all the same shit again. all fucking day. And I had no where to escape to. Bruce* wasn't returning my text messages or my phone calls. My family was all at work. same with my friends. all fucking day I had to listen to his selfish diatribe on how no one really cares about him and there is nothing worth living for in the world, and we were doomed from the very get go.

At 7 pm my sister shows up and rescues me. We are headed out to my mom's birthday dinner. Finally Bruce* calls me back. He was with his brother and his phone died. Hey that's cool happens all the time. Then he says:
"We need to get together tomorrow. We need to have a talk"
Me (with a joke in my voice): "This isn't a bad talk is it?"
Bruce: "eh"
Me: "um ok, well I'm headed out to my mom's birthday dinner. I'll talk to ya tomorrow. Love you"
Bruce: "mmm"
Me: "oh well ok I'll see you tomorrow"

Now I'm fucking worried. You see never once since he told me loved me has he failed to reply to my declaration of love. fucking great. I spent the rest of the evening so worried and emotional that I couldn't really get into the festivities of my mother's birthday. I think I slept maybe 2 hours.

Sunday morning. I wait... and wait.... and wait. finally Bruce calls me to say he was on his way over. DJ decides that he wants to go to the little park in side of my complex. so we go. Bruce meets us there. We make idle conversation while watching DJ play. Finally I turn to him.

me: "so"
him: "yeah so"
me: "whats going on?"
him: "well..."

And he proceeds to tell me that he doesn't love me. That he has felt this way from the beginning of December, but that he thought it would get better and it hasn't. That he can't afford to date me. I argue this point that if money is a problem we can work around it. we can do more things that require less fundage. that I am going to be getting Childcare assistance finally and that will free up $500 a month for me. But then he tells me that he has seen 4 sides of me and only likes 2 of them. He can't tell me what those sides were that maybe its just in his head. finally I ask what he wants to do. He says there are 2 choices. We can step back to being friends and see if things develop again or we can just cut it off completely. He asks me what I want. I told him that I made my choice. That I want to forget that today ever happened and go back to the way it seemed to be on Thursday night when we kissed good-bye and said I love you. I told him that I had no idea that there was anything wrong. And I didn't. Until the night before when he had called me I thought everything was hunky dory.

After some round and round we finally agree to be friends. He asks me if being friends is going to make us mental. Are we going to wonder about what the other person is doing, who are they seeing, who are they going out with... blah blah.

I laugh and tell him that I deal with being a psycho nut-job everyday. That it won't be any different for me (which is half true).

Me: "how do I say this without sounding like a bitch"
Him: "Probably can't"
Me: "Yeah. So if you don't feel that way about me, how is just being friends going to make you mental"
Him: "I guess your right"

He had all the things I had left at his house in his jeep. I had one of his sweaters at my house. so we exchanged stuff and said good bye.

Most of my friends don't understand how I can stay friends with him. I tell them because I love him enough to just be friends with him. What I don't tell them is that I believe that things will get better and that we will be together again. What I don't tell them is that I believe that my love is enough and that I don't see how it is possible that I can love someone this much and they don't feel even a fraction of the same.

I wrote a very cathartic piece Sunday night. When I need to express I write. I posted it over on my other blog. You can read it by clicking here.

And a little note here for Baby Daddy's Mom:

Cindy I can't believe you went against my wishes and behind my back. Now I have to deal with your psycho son's emotional issues. I hope you are proud of yourself. Life in my house is so full of tension that your grandson hates being at home now. He and I are never going to get back together. There is nothing left in me for him. He exhausted me before we broke up and he still exhausts me. I can't be his mother. You need to be his mother and make him get some fucking help. You are his family you should care enough about him to get him the intervention he needs. I am done with him to the point where I can't even be in the same room with him. he makes me crazier than I already am. I have my own fucking issues to deal with I don't need his as well. So get off your holier than thou fucking pedestal and help your son.

and FUCK anyone who thinks I'm a heartless bitch for feeling this way. I have tried everything my feeble brain can wrap around to help this guy. Now its time for his family to act like a family and help him.

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

Caption Contest Week 1

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