Saturday, January 10, 2009

bloggin on the weekend

I don't usually blog on the weekend. but I'm addicted now. I am offically cancelling the caption contest. I've got too much going on to keep it going.

so here are some updates.

Apparently I'm not nearly as strong as I think I am. I gave in on a bunch of things this weekend. I'm smoking again. which sucks. but I found a program I am going to try. but I have to put it on hold till my next check. costs a little dough that I can't spend right now.

and I cried over Bruce* again. Friday night I went to the movies with EZ. it was supposed to be with EZ and Steve. but I think I pissed Steve off when I defended myself to him. He was ragging on me about my priorities. He thinks I should put my plans to go back to school before everything else. but I have to get my living situation straightened out and my money problems on their way to being fixed. He kept saying that the other things were not as important as going to school. He made me feel like a stupid little kid and I was getting tired of it. This all happened over dinner. afterwards he left and hasn't talked to me since.

Between dinner and the movie EZ and I had some time. so we wandered around the bookstore and then grabbed a cup of coffee. While inside I kept seeing things I would have got him. Things that would have made my Valentine's day plans perfect. we were sitting out side drinking our coffee and I just broke down. I'm so crazy. I going insane. I thought I was doing ok but apparently i'm not.

I told her everything about what's going on in side my head. Everything about how my family is slowly pulling away from me. Everything about how much it hurts that I love Him and he doesn't love me. I'm crying again while I write this.

I realized two things that night.

1. not all of my "freinds" really want to give me their support. I'm not talking about money or time really. Just their moral support.

2. Some of my friends really are my friends.

Remember "He who shall not be blogged about"? Charlie*. Yeah he must be psychic or something. He called me the night Bruce* broke up with me. Said he just wanted to see how I was doing. Felt like he should call me. I lost it. told him everything. He has called me everyday since then just to listen to me. He's going through something very similar with his ex-wife. So we talk. sometimes I cry and he tells me its ok to cry and its ok to be crazy. Turns out he is one of my bestfriends.

The being friends thing with Bruce* is doing ok. Sometimes it hurts a little (ok sometimes it hurts alot, but its better than not having him at all.

What it comes down to I guess is that I'm not super woman. I'm going to do things my way and if other people thinks its stupid then that's ok. They can keep thinking that. If they think I'm just some little girl who doesn't know anything about the world, they can keep thinking that too. I may not be as smart as them about politics and law and all that other shit, but I am smart about what I know. And I know what I am doing is right. I know how I feel and noone can understand it but me. They may think I'm acting like a little high school girl whose boyfriend broke up with her. fine. let them think it. I feel pity for them. Becuase obviously they have never touched the beauty of true love.

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

1 comment:

dizzblnd said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. What you are feeling is normal and OK.
You will have more rough days before it gets better (kinda like the You ARE doing what you feel is right and that's all that matters. You are right in not letting the mean-wellers not get you down.

Hang in there