I know what it is now

For the first time in weeks I can breathe.

I had my first appointment with my therapist today. After everything that has happened in the last few weeks I finally broke down and realized that neither I nor my friends can handle what's going on with me.

Don't get me wrong, my friends have been great. Very supportive and have helped me a good deal. But it seemed like I was spiraling out of control. I couldn't really point my finger to one thing in my life and say "That's what's wrong with me". So many things happened all at once.

After my shameful actions this weekend I decided I needed professional help. I haven't blogged about what happened because I can't even bear to think about it. I said horrible nasty un-true things to people I care about. I lost my perspective.

After talking to Mr. T* (that's my therapist) I can finally put a name and face to everything going on inside of me.

Grief.

plain and simple. Its the grief over a lost life. My life. All the pent up emotions from my parents recent divorce. the emotions I never handled about my ex-husband or Baby Daddy*. The pulling away of my family. The possibility of cancer. My son's development issues. My son's Godmother, who was like a sister to me, hasn't contacted me in months but I find out she talks damn near everyday to a person who wasn't even a close friend of ours. Its realizing that the support network I had come to rely on was no longer there. Its having to apply for all the aid and welfare. all of that and the cherry too. The cherry being that I screwed up what could have been the best relationship I will ever have. Yeah Bruce*. Tonight I realized that I may have fucked things up beyond repair with him, but that eventually I'll be ok.

One day I'll be able to listen to music again.

One day I'll stop crying, but it's ok to cry now.

One day I'll feel better.

ok I already feel better. Just having someone to talk to like Mr. T* is amazing. After a single session with him I feel like a weight has been lifted. Not all the weight, but some of it. In an hour and a half he made me realize something, its ok.

Thats it. just that "its ok".

Its ok to be sad and crazy over a man I love.
Its ok to be selfish. (to a point)
Its ok to be weepy.
Its ok to be weak.
Its ok to work fulltime make, good money and still need aid.
Its ok to worry that your going to screw your kid up
Its ok to be angry.

He thinks I'm taking all the right steps to improve my life. I just need to be patient and keep plugging away at the system.

Monday is my next session. He's going to hypnotize me... Cool huh!
He's also a licensed hypnotherapist. He is going to be working on some of my bad habits. see if we can't break them.

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.