Monday, January 19, 2009

The Fates are strange weavers...

Anyone who knows anything about the three Fates knows that they spin, weave and cut the threads that make up our lives, and they have a very strange sense of humor.

A few weeks ago I was devastated by the news that the man I love, the man I cherish, the man I can see myself spending the rest of life with no longer wanted to be romantically involved with me. He wanted to remain friends and still see each other on a social basis. But not date or have "relations".

This crushed me; along with all the other changes in my life and a very unexpected hormone supply it caused me to swing into a downward spiral of self destruction. a week later I lost it completely. I went completely gonzo nuts. I lost friends, I lost perspective, and I lost my mind.

The result of that was me putting myself into therapy. I knew I needed it. The first session went amazingly well. My second session was like breathing fresh air for the first time in years. I'm looking forward to the next one.

But therapy is not the only thing that has my spirits up.

oh no.

The fates got busy up there with their tapestry of life and twisted my thread once again. They gave me back what I had thought lost forever. (no not my sanity!)


On Friday morning I got a very cute picture message from him. It was the first contact I'd had from him for almost a week. I replied that it was cute and asked him how he was. (very civil) He replied and asked the same in turn. I told him I was doing better but that I needed to talk to him about something. it was too important to talk about over text messages. We decided to meet for lunch.

I had some rather big news for him. Something I had only shared with my sister Sparky and EZ. Something I wasn't even sure how he would react to.

Yeah I know the suspense is killing you

So we meet for lunch and they take our drink orders. he asks me whats up.

I look at him blankly and begin to stutter. This is the hardest thing I could ever tell someone.

Finally I just let it out:

"I'm pregnant. And I can't keep it."

he looks at me for minute. Then he says


We talk about it some more and the decision is made that we'll split the cost of the procedure. After lunch we sit in the parking lot and talk for 2 hours before my appointment to meet EZ at the clinic to get the official test done and make the appointment.

In that talk something comes to light that I knew all along but was just waiting for him to clue in on; He still loves me.

Love is a very strange emotion, for some it is the best thing in the world and for others it is scary as hell, and for others its both at the same time.

Bruce joins me and EZ at the clinic to await the results. They comeback positive.

For those of you who are pro-life: I'm sorry. I thought about this long and hard I went back and forth with it in my brain. The only logical choice I have is to terminate the pregnancy. Where I am at financially and emotionally I just can't handle another kid. Adoption was suggested to me. But I can't give life to a child and then give that child up. No way. "your stealing a life away!" well I don't exactly believe that. In my religious beliefs I'm taught that a soul can not enter the body until it takes it's first breath. Which to me makes sense.

ok enough philosophical mumbo jumbo.

Back to Bruce*.

After the clinic the three of us go out for coffee. and afterwards Bruce* and I again park in a parking lot and talk for another 2 hours.

the outcome of all this talking is that We are going to try get our relationship back on track. This means that we have to build a new stronger base to the relationship (his words, mind you). So we begin a new journey.

This journey will be the ride of our lives. SO much is going to change for me in the next few months. Having him with me is going to make the transition easier. I hope he has his seat belt on because I'm going into full girlfriend mode.

This means more dates, actual real dates that include dinner and the occasional movie. It will include doing things together that we both enjoy, and sometimes just tagging along with each other to things we don't enjoy. It means being completely honest and not keeping the tears at bay when you want to cry. it means talking about EVERYTHING. no more keeping stuff inside because you think the other one won't understand how you feel. and it means lots more quality time together.

My vows for this go around:
-I know that sometimes I am a financial burden. If I can not pay for myself (and my son if he goes with us) then I won't agree to go out.
-I am going to cook more. So often when we spent the weekends together we would get fast food. I know how to cook, I'm a pretty damned good cook. Why haven't I been cooking before? Old habit I guess.
-I am going to suggest more activities that require us to think. Sitting at home and watching movies is nice once in a while, but we both used to be very active people but have gotten out of the habit because of our past relationships. Now we need to break free of that and start getting back into those things we like to do.
-I promise to fight everyday for the man I love. I will no longer listen to the nay-sayers and hard-hearted cynics when they speak and say that love is easily replaceable. I have learned my lesson. there is no sushi, no chocolate, no cup of coffee in the world that can replace love and intimacy with the one you love.

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

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