Friday, February 27, 2009

My followers are the best!

I don't have a lot of actual "followers" only 10 to be exact. I know that there are more regular readers here than "followers". But the 10 people I do have following me are either very good friends of mine or really good blog buddies... so with out further ado. let me introduce you:

in no particular order:

Tommymac71 He hasn't been bloggin recently but when he was it was awesome... funny stuff... I miss him bunches and wish he would come back to the blog world... also he was one of my very first blog followers...

That Girl Is an amzing young woman who blogs about her everyday life and makes it not only interesting but funny as hell...

HLP is a very funny site where they showcase those really horrible vanity plates you see everyday. I am an official member of the Platarazzi and have submitted my fair share of bad plates. Vegas is the perfect place to plate-stalk

Travis Erwin has two blogs One word, One rung, One day that I read every day and This one that I never read... Travis is an amazing writer and an awesomely cool dude (we're also Twitter buddies). He has been through so much in the last few months and yet he keeps his spirits up and his head high, and he still keeps on writing.. If you twitter I highly suggest you start following him...

Jackie is a new follower and I'm new to her blog as well... She also has two blogs JackiesMagic that I read and Sisterly Connections that I don't read (Come one cut me some slack... have you seen that blog list on the right? I read those everyday!!) She is another "real life" blogger like myself... she pulls no punches when talking about her experiences...

Dzzblnd over at Soggy-Doggy-Bloggy is a treasure. She is probably my most faithfull follower and commenter. She also follows my other blog and I am sure is still waiting for the next installment of the story about Sara... Don't worry.. its coming... She also has a second blog where she talks about Dreams and interprets your dreams for you, she is very very good.

Here begins the section where I mention the bloggers that I know on a more personal level (I.E. my real life buddies)

My very first Follower every was MyndTrip He is an aspring author who has this great story line he created that is based on a paper and dice RPG game that he created... he is very creative. The game is so easy to learn and play and has the potential to be the absolute best paper and dice game ever (sorry D&D I still love you). But his stories about the world he created are spectacular... if you go back and read them from the beginning you'l be just as hooked as I am.

Jennifer the Messenger (aka JenX) is a journalist who is doing a series of stories on some of the more colorful characters who live here in the city of sin. Her Blog is full of great stories, but be warned it is not for the faint of heart... She is also a Twitter buddy.

Lisa is a girl I went to high school with.. We were pretty tight there for a little while.. after high school we lost touch and got back into touch here in blogger... her blog is all about her amazing crafting ability

And yes I saved the best for last!!

You all know her as EZ. I am including a link to her Blogger profile here becuase she has 3 blogs she is currently running (with more on the way). She is an eclectic blogger, she blogs about everything from life, to politics, to religion... one of her blogs is dedicated to a year long writting project she is working on... Check out her stuff its great!

Now that I have introduced you I suggest that if you haven't already checked these peeps out that you do. They are all very amazing people and damn fine bloggers.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Stolen Quote

"Oh the comfort, the inexpressible comfort, of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as it is, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful friend will take and sift them, keeping what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blowing the rest away." ~ Novelist Mary Ann Evans

Thanks Jackie!

Friends, Soccer, Beer and Waaay too Much Political BS

Last night I went a soccer game.. I think its the first soccer game I have ever been to that didn't involve 9 year olds trying real hard to impress their parents... it was a bunch of BEAUTIFUL men and women... I went to support Jennifer the Messenger's husband. He's a french man with a french accent. He's a very cool guy and he has some very hot friends.

EZ and I went because we were promised a plethora of handsome single men to oogle... The first 4 or 5 guys Jen pointed out to us were married... finally I ask

"Where are all the single dudes?"
Jen: "Um I don't know let's ask Shou Shou*"

Shou Shou is a probably not how it is spelled... It sounds like "Shoe Shoe" its a french term of endearment that when litterally translated means "cabbage cabbage". The french are very strange people...

While Shou Shou is taking a break from being the most bad-ass soccer player on the field, he comes to sit with us and smoke a cigarette. Of course I immediately ask him to point out the single men... The first one is a guy we shall call the "Rockin' Morrocan" why? Because he's from Morroco and he's also a bad-ass soccer player. EZ and I spent the rest of the evening drooling over all the hard bodies sprinting from one end of the field to the other... So much fun...

At the end of the night Shou Shou's team won 6-1 and 5 of those goals were made by everyone's favorite frenchman Shou Shou! Jen says he wasn't showing off.. he's just really that good!

The next part of the evening was spent hanging out with Bob* and his friend the Drag Queen. Of course EZ, Shou Shou and Jen were all there too... and a surprise guest... wel he wasn't really a surprise.. after all I did invite him... do you remember this guy? STG*

Well he showed up too. Of course Bob* and I spent all night bickering and razzing each other... And then when STG* showed up he started in on me too... WTF come on guys!

Jen, EZ, Bob* (which I may change to boob), and DG* (Drag Queen) and I spent a good part of the evening discussing politics and religion. Bob* of course tried desperately to win at the bar trivia game. He likes to think he's smart... sometimes he is but other times its just bluster.

The evening ended sometime around 1 am and I was home by 2 am then up at 4:30 for my 2 mile walk... needless to say I'm going to bed early tonight.

I enjoy my friends but I think I can only handle a hour or so of Bob* at a time... sheesh

Updates: Still not smoking... going to look at what could become my new Dirty Girl Ride (blog about that later) on friday.. and no word from Jay* (men: all talk no action)

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.


Can I tell you a secret?

Do you promise to not tell anyone else?

I'm not the strong fearless confident woman everyone thinks I should be. the truth is sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I still cry over things people think I should just get over. Sometimes I envy others for their ability to put the past behind them. Sometimes I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes I just want someone to hold me so I can pretend that the world doesn't exist, even if it is just for a few minutes. Sometimes I'm just a girl with a broken heart who can't seem to catch a break and I just want to sit back and cry about the futility of it all.

But I have to get up every day. I have to smile for the cameras. I have to fake it. I have to pretend to not care that I keep getting my heart stomped on. I have to pretend that I'm not jealous of my friends and the lives they get to lead. I have to play the part of the confident single mom who knows where she is going. I have to lie about not wanting a man. I have to hide my tears and smile through the loneliness.

But that's just between you and me.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

A letter to the Pets

SO my mom sent me this email. I love it because now that I am no longer with that asshole who was allergic to anything with fur, I can get a dog! WOO HOO! plus now I don't have to get rid of all my cats just so that he can come over. I'm keeping my kitty that I have had for 10 years. The other two already have new homes.

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. However, Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It Is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom foryears - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannotstress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted thefollowing message on the front door:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on al lfours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell theirchildren ...

Let's Review..

Ok so I was re-reading the post that I linked to yesterday...

"The Men in My Life"

And I wanted to review some things.

Original text:
"3: Bruce*. He is the epitome of sweet. Sometimes I wonder if I have been dreaming about him or if he is real. If you have been reading you know all the really sweet things he has done since day one. But I wonder how long it will last. I am not being pessimistic just realistic. Will he stay like this forever and even if we don't work out still be friends? or Will he change in a few months and then decide he can find something else that is "better" (you can't get much better than me)? One the one hand I know where I could go with this, but on the other do I want to set my self-up for another bone-shattering fall?"

Wow... did I call that one or what... Damn I really shoulld listen to my gut insticnt more often.. I knew from the very begining that this guy wasn't what he said he was... why didn't I listen to myself.... damn

Original Text:
"4: Steve*. He is one of my best friends. I feel I can tell him anything, he is my male version of EZ. He has never been judgemental and has even given me some great advice. I want him to see himself like I do: an amazing person whose heart is bigger that he lets on. He has so much to offer the world but has shut himself up becuase of stupid people. I say let them be stupid you just outshine them all."

Hmmm not sure what to say about this one.... turns out he wasn't as good a friend as I thought. Again I don't know where the break down happened... the last I heard was at his birthday he wanted to "re-connect" and now here I am standing here with my thumb up my ass looking like an idiot... tell me again why I beleive guys when they say things to me....

Original Text:
"5: Charlie*: What more can I say about him? He is a friend, or more correctly I should say I am his friend. I do for him what I do for so many others. But he taught me something. He taught me that my heart is more fragile and precious than anything else in this world. He taught me that I need to be very careful before I going making assumptions, that I should not hold any expectations no matter what. He taught me that sometimes we say things and mean them at the time but that in a few minutes/hours/days/weeks those things have no meaning. Its becuase of him that I am afraid of letting myself go with Bruce*. Well that and the fact that I might scare Bruce away if I really did let go. I can be pretty intense. (duh poet)"

LMAO I am fucking psychic! I did let myself go with Bruce* and I did scare him off... holy shit. only thing different about is Charlie.... is well nothing... he is exactly as he was when I met him 6 months ago...

Well there ya go and there ya have it... I'm done with it... I know I said I wouldn't blog about Bruce* anymore, but shit I said the same thing about Charlie* LOL.

Now what I need to do is come up with an accurate online dating profile for myself.... any suggestions? Yeah I am going to jump back on the bandwagon... I know that love won't find you if your sitting at home doing nothing, so I am back online (on a site I pay for and that other people have to pay for so this time I know they have to be at least somewhat serious). Also I am going to get out there in the real world and do more things that I like....

Who knows maybe on one of my hiking trips I'll run into "Mr. Right-for-Me" and it will be happily-ever-after.

Ok gotta go... I'm looking for a camping group to join too.... And I may have found my new vehicle... just have to wait for a response from the guy... keep your fingers crossed...

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Phrases and Comments, Nice guys and A-holes

So as you may or may not know Charlie*and I have still been talking... even after I made the promise to never blog about him, its not like I stopped talking to him. Actually he and I have some of the most stimulating conversations. Mentally stimulating that is. (although I just bet that if he put his mind to it he could give great phone sex).

We talk damn near every day. on the phone... very rarely do we text. only because our conversations on the phone can last an hour or more and there is just no way to express ourselves in text format.

Mostly our conversations steer towards our observations of the human society. I.E. The differences between men and woman, and ultimately the differences between ourselves and "normal" men and women.

What it boils down to is this... He is not your average guy. especially in regards to his ex-wife. He will walk to ends of the earth to be with her.. and not because she's hot, or gives good head, but because he loves her. I am not your normal girl in that when I love someone, I love completely. there is no one else in my life but that person. If I can find the right guy he's going to be one very lucky mother fucker...


We were talking about his choice to get back into shape (I think he's sexy as is, but whatever). He was telling me a story about when he was younger he went through a womanizing period in his life where he could.. and I quote "Talk the panties out of the wrapper"....

When he said that I laughed so hard I missed everything else he said after that... I made him repeat it so I could write it down and blog about it....

Ah Charlie... if only you could get over that crazy lady... I could show you what its like to really be loved... Yeah yeah I still have feelings for him... I never lost those. I just learned that it was a hopeless case and besides I like his friendship and he mine... I wouldn't give it up for the world.

but I digress

at the same time I am having an online conversation with one of my favorite poets and mentor Mark Orrin*. He has been amazing and even given me a few free of charge pointers on my writing. We were talking about some songs that he has out in the ether... one of them is getting a demo... which is awesome! But he comes up with this great little number "When all is said and done, a lot more is said than done"

I can honestly say that I have been completely impressed by men today... well all except the office asshole who is still an asshole....

Let's talk about him for a moment...

Have I ever talked about him?


HA HA be prepared

Let's call him Red*

Red* is extremely attractive. He has a fabulous ass and gorgeous eyes. He has this sorta long red hair that begs to have your fingers buried in it. The only problem is that he is a major asshole. I'm not talking about your average guy asshole, I'm talking about within the first ten minutes of meeting him everyone has come to same conclusion... this guy is an asshole. He is admittedly an asshole. If you do or say something nice to him, he deliberately goes out of his way to be an asshole to you so you won't do it again. Its like he has a physical aversion to being nice. I don't get him. I can't even imagine what his friends are like...

I would love to take him out and get him completely shit-faced... I'll bet he turns into a nice when drunk...

I would have the serious hots for this guy... if he wasn't an asshole

Today I reviewed the men in my life (again) and I find myself surrounded by 2 kinds of men:
Nice guys who are already attached and plan on staying that way, and Assholes.

What the hell am I supposed to do with that?

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

Monday, February 23, 2009

I'm baaaack!!!

Ok ok sorry sorry sheesh....

So I was on vacation for this last week. and boy oh boy did a lot of shit happen....

Lets start with... on valentines day I broke up with Bruce*.... Why? Becuase he can't keep his word.. I need a real man. A man who can keep his promises and who will not be such a pussy went it comes to dealing with emotions. Either you know what you want, or you don't! get the fuck over yourself... and stop lying by saying you know what you want... ugh duchebag... He's just another asshole like the rest of them.... lieing, cheating, asshole. oh yes ladies this guy cheated on me.. and then tried to justify himself by saying "I was just trying to make a new friend" really? on a romantic ride through one of the prettiest places in the valley... alone... without telling me.... lets spell it out A-S-S-H-O-L-E... I am not the kind of girl who will let you keep walking all over me.. or at least I'm not anymore... I have come to realize that I am SOOOO worth more than a nice piece of ass... (damn he was good in bed) I am worth a real man who can pull his head out of his ass and take other people's feelings into consideration... asshole.. ugh ok I'm done with that rant... oh by the way unless he finally decideds to stop being asshole and apologize for all the shit he put me through.. all the heartache and the broken promises... for making me a crazy person... you'll never hear about him again...

on to other things...

lets bring Charlie* back! Hell ya... the infamous Charlie*. Amazing, rich, georgeous Charlie*... oh he's still with his ex.. (which sucks big time for him) but he actually followed through!! on the friday before Valentines I was at a drag show with some friends (hey its vegas we have drag shows all the time) and I invited Charlie*... and he Fucking came!!! can you believe it... I'm still in a little shock over that one... well I got really shit faced that night (thanks Bruce*, you asshole). and there was no way I could drive myself home... So Charlie took me to his house.. Gave me a comfy bed and a ride home in the morning....

I was at the bat-cave...


anyway... nothing happened he was a complete gentleman (damn him). We are still just friends.

So lets get back to why I have been on vacation....

I needed to do some major spring cleaning...

I completely ransacked the main living areas of my house and reorganized them.... Got new furniture (I love consignment stores) and I finally painted my son's room, which looks completely awesome! the only room I did not get to was my bedroom.. which is cool I can work on the a little bit at a time (if I have the time!)

I also took this week to really decide what to do with my life... so I came to a final choice... I'm going back into the service... I feel great about this decision... I need a way to support myself and my child and I need a stable career. What better way than by serving in the military? Lets not forget that I completely loved it when I was in.. and sometimes I miss it a lot. and I love my country.

It's not something I'll be doing anytime soon... yikes first I have to get back into shape... which means I have started walking 2 miles every morning... its great! I have been doing it for just over a week now and already I have shaved 20 mins off my time...

Once I get a pair of good running shoes I am going to start running it.... The weight is going to slide off me... it always does when I exercise. Woot! the goal is 6 months... I'll keep you posted

hmmm what else... oh yeah Steve* has decided he doesn't want to be my friend... I'm not sure what I said or did to piss him off but I guess it doesn't really matter... not my problem...

Next... I met a guy... Yeah yeah I know "You just got out of a relationship!" duh I know that... but you see I'm not looking to jump back into another one.. this time I'm doing it differently (yeah that's what I said last time too) I have only seen him twice... both times at a bar. although he did buy dinner the first time... We met through my Marine buddy Bob*. Bob and I went to gig that a friend of ours was playing... and he started a convo with the door guy who is a former marine (there is no such thing as an ex-marine)... I kept hearing my name and some very nasty references about the Army (Bob* and I are always razzing each other about our respective branch of the service). Finally Bob* invited me over and introduced me to Jay*.

Jay is a very laid back guy... immediately we found two things in common.... We both have 3 year old children... and we both speak japanese... Ok mine is so rusty it doesn't work, but he might as well be fluent... which is cool.

Turns out he works security for a governement facility here in Nevada. And becuase of its location he has to be away for days at a time... and we just happened to meet the 2 days before he had to go back to work... ahhh well its no biggie.... We exchanged numbers and he promised to text or call when he gets back into town. We'll see how it goes (although I can say he is a great kisser!! hehehe).

hmmm there was something else....

OH YEAH!! I joined a couple of hiking groups... my first hike is on saturday. its going to be an easy hike that I can bring DJ on. I only plan on going on the super easy ones because I am introducing my son to hiking. He is still a little small for scrambling, but he can do the easy stuff. I am finally going to get back into doing what I love.. hiking, camping, being outdoors... which includes 4-wheeling...

AHHHH YEAAAAA I'm getting my own vehicle... and I'm keeping my eyes peeled for a 4-wheel drive...

finally I can get back to being me... the me I like... the me who doesn't take shit from anyone... the confident amazing, cool me. The me who on Saturday is grubby from climbing all over the mountain and on Sunday is in a cocktail dress at the symphony. The me who listens to all kinds of music and gets wierd looks when driving down the street bumping bagpipes...

Take a deep breath.. Can you smell it? That's the smell of life getting back to the way it should be.

Oh yeah and I'm still smoke free!! its been almost three weeks! I am so proud!

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

The Story of Caesar Part Three

Over the next few weeks I completely forgot about the lump.

It came back to my attention when I was washing him... Him being a strictly outdoor dog he never really needed to be bathed that often. I was soaping him up and my hand ran accross the lump again. This time it seemed a little bigger. I finished washing him and after all the soap was rinsed off I took a closer look... and sure enough the little marble sized lump from a few weeks early was now the size of roma tomoato.

Suddenly everything from the last few weeks came rushing back to me. His serious lack of energy, his decreased appetite, His disinterest in playing the games we usually played. I looked up at him as he sat there in the hot vegas sun and he looked back at me. He looked me right in the eyes. ANd I knew something was wrong. Horribly wrong.

I talked to my vet that day he told me it was likely just a bunch of errant cells in the fatty tissues in his leg and that I shouldn't worry about it too much unless it ruptured. RUPTURED?! Everyday after that I made sure to check it. I paid more attention to how Caesar acted.

It seemed like he was just slowing down with his old age. After all he was 13 years old. That's extremely old for a dog his size.

A month later I came out to check on my boy and he was lying there in a pool of blood. His mass had ruptured. I completely freaked out, but I was the only one home. So I did what any rational 16 year old would do. I called my dad and made him come home from work so that he could take us to the vet. I called my vet and asked what I should do. He told me to get a bunch of towels and to put pressure directly on the wound. but to be careful becuase it will be painful for Caesar and he might bite.

I did I was told. The knees of my jeans soaking up blood, My hands trembling as slowly blood leaked through the first towel. When my dad finally got home, I my hands were stained, my jeans were ruined, and my shirt looked like a horror movie prop. But through it all Caesar never even growled at me. He would look at me and smile, though I could see the pain in his eyes and hear it when he whimpered.

When we got to the vet the put him into emergency surgery. 3 hours later the vet come out to talk to me. They had removed the mass which did not turn out to be cancer, it weighed 10 pounds. However, directly beneath it in the muscle was another mass, and he could tell just from looking at it that it was cancer.

It was inoperable becuase of where in the muscle it was located. He gave my boy 6 months to live.

Caesar came home two days later. His leg was shaved and there were close to 40 staples runing the entire length of his thigh. He looked gnarly. I was given some rules. He had to take his painkillers every day, and his antibiotics, and i needed to avoid any swelling what-so-ever.

I would not allow him to become an outside dog during his recovery. So he became for the first time in his life an indoor dog. He took to it rather well. He enjoyed lying in the kitchen watching the family. He ignored the cats. He always told us when he had to go potty.

A few days after his surgery I noticed that there was little swelling in his leg. I called the vet and he told me to put cold wet towels directly on the leg and to keep them cool and wet until the swelling went away. I was up for 12 hours constantly switching out the cold compresses. I didn't go to school the next day becuase I needed to stay home to make sure the swelling didn't come back.

His recovery was long, but eventually he went back to have his staples removed.

For the next 6 months I lived in a constant state of fear. Fear that I would wake up one morning our come home from school one evening and he would be gone.

But instead of growing more listless and weary, he actually gained a little weight, went back to playing ball, and insisting on 4 hours walks. He regained a lot of his youthfull verve.

For the next two and half years everything was as it should be. It seemed like my boy was going to live forever. A few months before I graduated high school I noticed that my boy wasn't eating as much. Slowly his appetite began to diminish, he began losing weight again, and the scariest thing of all... his lump was back.

I took him back to the vet and after a complete check up the vet told me waht was going on.

"Despite all the odds your dog has found the strenght to live when he should not have. He not only hid his weakness but he lived with it, he learned to compensate. But now he can't do that anymore. His cancer has been spreading. Its in his lungs, heart, stomach, liver... its everywhere except his brain, which is a miracle. To be quite honest he should be dead right now. You need to start seriously thinking about when to put him down. He is in a lot of pain even if he sin't showing it."

There I was. on the verge of graduation, geting ready to ship out for basic training, looking ahead to the life in front of me. And I had to make my first adult choice ever.

I asked for a painkiller for him and took him home. For the next 6 months I spent everymoment I wasn't at school with him. It was like being a little kid all over again. I would lie next to him and tell him all about everything. One evening I was sitting in the living room he came walking out of the kitchen and he sat right in front of me laid his head in my lap and looked into my eyes.

And I heard him. I heard him in my heart. He was ready to go.

The next day I took him in. My dad couldn't be there, but my mom and my sisters were with me. I held his head in my lap as he left this world.

Three days before I shipped off I got his remains back. I had him creamated. I still have his urn.

Caesar taught me so much about life and love. He taught me about unwavering loyalty and about the meaning of friendship. He showed me that when the odds are against you that love will pull you through. I still miss him. The pain of his loss has never really gone away.

I miss you so much big boy. I love you. You will remain in my heart forever. Till we meet again on the other side of the bridge.

Friday, February 13, 2009

The Story of Caesar Part Two

This massive beast slid to a stop mere inches from me. He large black face was level with mine. We stood there looking each other in the eye. His chocolate brown eyes peered deep into mine; they seemed to be telling me that from now on everything would be ok. He smiled and sat before me and looked around to see my father standing beside me. My dad stood there in shock. Here was the biggest, ugliest looking dog we had ever seen, and he was grinning at us.

The young woman came bounding around the corner to find me and my father with our arms slung around the dog's neck. She looked back and forth between us and started to cry. She led us to the adoption room still crying and began to tell us about this dog.

His name was Caesar (spelled like the roman emperor). He used to be a herd dog on a horse ranch. But when the owners of the ranch got divorced they brought him to the pound. He was just a mutt, but they were pretty sure that he was at least part german shepherd and part black lab, but the black spot on his tongue said that there was another breed mixed in, probably some sort of spitz. He was about 3 years old and he was so ugly that everyone thought he was mean. In reality he was the most even tempered dog that had ever come through the pound. Everyone there loved him so much that they kept losing his "discharge" papers, He was 3 weeks over due to meet his maker. The director of the pound had found out that morning and personally ordered for Caesar to be put down. We had showed up less than an hour from that scheduled time.

We couldn't sign the papers fast enough.

When we got him home. We introduced him to my sisters through our sliding glass door. He seemed unconcerned, but the 2 year old screamed and ran away yelling about monsters. The Baby, who will later grow up to become Sparky*, was still too young to even care.

We were never burglarized again.

Caesar become my constant companion and my best friend. Everyday after school I would rush home, do my homework and then I would be out side with my dog. He was my biggest confidant. I could tell him anything. He and I would sit under the shade of the apricot tree that grew in our back yard and I would tell him everything. With out him I doubt that I would ever have survived the next few years.

My father spiraled into alcoholism, my mother became the typical wife of an alcoholic. The care of my younger sisters began to incrementally fall to my shoulders. All the while I was dealing with biggest secret of all. One that only Caesar knew. I was being sexually abused by my uncle. When the truth finally came to light it was Caesar who kept me sane. He never treated me any differently, He still looked at me with love in his eyes. He never whispered that maybe I did something wrong.

We moved to Lubbock, TX shortly after the trial was complete. There I learned that sometimes teachers are not nice. Once again Caesar was there to listen to my fears and worries. A year later we moved back to our little house in Grand Prairie. Soon after that we moved to Oklahoma City, and a year after that we moved to Las Vegas, NV.

Through it all Caesar was there. Smiling his ugly dog smile. He was the only constant in my life. Through all the shifting faces and changing places around me. Through all the trials of growing up as the child of an alcoholic. Through all the strangeness of being both a big sister and a mother-figure. Caesar was there.

It was he who listened to me ramble on during high school on all those nights I couldn't sleep. It was he who comforted me when my first ever boy-friend broke up with me. When I made my decision to join the military he was the first one I told.

The summer I turned sixteen I came home from a road trip with my dad and sisters and after all the bags were in the house the first place I ran too was out side. Lying in the shade next to our disused above ground pool was Caesar. But instead of bounding up to greet me as he usually did he simply laid there watching me with his tail wagging.

I knelt down to hug him and began running my hands all along him to scratch his favorite places. When my hand passed over his thigh I felt an unusual hardness. After a more in depth search I found a small lump dead center on his thigh.

At the time I wasn't worried; afterall what sixteen year old worries about a minuscule lump? It was probably just another mosquito bite.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

The Story of Caesar Part One

I grew up in a small suburb of Dallas, TX called Grand Prairie. Anyone who is familiar with the area can tell you that this wasn't the best of neighborhoods (actually it still isn't). But the price was right and when you're a young struggling family that's all that really matters.

We had lived in the same house for years with no problems. We knew our neighbors, they knew us. I played with all the kids on my street and the surrounding streets. Finally my parents had saved enough money to buy a new vehicle. It wasn't brand new but it wasn't 10 years old either. It was a full size dodge van that was painted black with an awesome 3-tone blue stripe that ran all the way around it.

We were so proud of that damn van. We washed it every week. It was by far the nicest car on the block. Which is probably the reason we became targets.

Shortly after we purchased the van our house got broken into. They stole our only TV. Two weeks later they broke into the Van and stole the factory radio. Two weeks after that they broke into our house again and stole our new TV. It was the same people, the police were sure of that. There had been a rash of burglaries in the area. But it wasn't likely that they would get caught. Rarely does anyone burglarizing the 'hood or the ghetto get caught.

So we took action. My dad decided that the thing we needed was a security system. The only problem with that was in the mid eighties an electric system was out the question for a poor white family like mine. So we got the next best thing, a dog.

I remember that day very well. My dad was so tired of replacing the things he worked so hard for. My mom was so afraid that they would break into the house while we were home. I was 7, the next daughter was 2 and there was the newborn. I remember my dad and my mom sitting in the living room talking about getting a d-o-g. (yeah they spelled it). My dad kept saying we had to get a "big ugly mother-f*cker". My mom agreed but was worried about us kids and a mean dog. My dad had it all worked out. We would chain the dog up outside and we kids weren't allowed outside without an adult around.

I was so excited, My little seven year old brain was jumping with joy! Finally a DOG! I had been wanting a dog for so long.... when I was younger we used to have a dogs but they kept running away or getting hit by cars. My parents stopped getting pets after the last one nearly broke my heart. But now finally.... a DOG!

As my dad was getting ready to go to the pound I got myself ready. There was no way he was going to pick out a dog without my help. Just as he was leaving I ran up and said, "You have to take me with you, you might get the wrong one." My dad laughed and agreed.

I remember nothing of the drive there. But I do remember walking around and peering into all the little cages. When we first got there my dad told them he was looking for a dog to keep thieves away. They took us to the first area that had all puppies and cute dogs. We walked around and I fell in love with every other one. My dad was getting a little pissed off.. he wanted a full grown, "big ugly mother-f*cker". After looking at the cute ones, my dad and I went back to the front counter where he asked to see the big ugly mean dogs.

The receptionist took us to another area... this was where they kept the "big ugly mother-f*ckers" and boy where they big, and ugly, and mean. My dad got a taste of mean and was quickly turned off. He didn't want to get bitten by his own dog after all..

So it was with defeat that we began our trek out the front door. Just as the exit came into view from behind us came the slightly squeaky voice of an adolescent girl. "Sir I hear you need a big dog to protect your house but you also have little kids"

My dad turned around and standing there was a volunteer wringing her hands together and looking around as if she were making a drug deal rather than adopting out a dog.

"Yeah I am" says my dad
"Well I think I've got the right dog for you. Please just follow me and be very quiet"

What? So she leads us back to a door clearly marked "Authorized Personnel Only". After a few turns we walk through another door. From behind it we can hear the frenzied barking of what could be hundreds of dogs; all of them sound supremely mad. Like they want to eat you.

As she passes through the door she turns back and says:
"Whatever you do, don't put your fingers anywhere near these cages. This is Skid Row. and they all know that they won't the see the light of day again.. it makes them a little mad"

She wasn't kidding. Every dog in there from the smallest puppy to the biggest Rottie was foaming at the mouth to get out of it's cage. Their eyes were red rimmed and their spittle would fly out to fleck the legs of your pants as they barked uncontrollably. The girl disappeared around a corner. You could just make out her voice in the din. She seemed to be talking to someone. Suddenly all the dogs in the room went quiet, and from around the corner the young woman cried out "No, No stay! Caesar! Come back here!"

The sound of thudding paws and scrapping nails grew closer and closer, the hurried pant of a giant dog filled my ears. Around the corner sped a looming black hulk that in no way could have been a dog... no freaking way.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Product Testing for Smooth Away

All this week I have been testing a product called "Smooth Away" as part of the product testing group I am involved with through

The website for this product says "SMOOTH AWAY is a pad covered with superfine crystals that buff away unwanted hair, leaving your skin so soft and incredibly smooth. Works great on sensitive areas and also exfoliates as it removes the unwanted hair, leaving skin soft and smooth."
The kit I was sent included a complete starter package with the moisturizer that is also supposed to make hair grow in finer and softer. I am assuming this is also to make it easier to "smooth away". hehehehe
Here is the week as it happened:
Tuesday 02/03/09
I got my package in the mail. I went over to my mom's house to show off the product and to give it a try. After I had opened it she and I sat out on her porch smoking and giggling over the instructions. Clockwise 3 times and counter clockwise three times repeat untill hair is removed from that area.

So I put the first applicator on the big pad and went to work on my legs right there on my mom's porch. Now the instuctions say to not use on hair that is more than a 1/4 inch long... I take a look at my legs and determine that the hair maybe just under that.

I used it on my lower legs and on my knees. The hairest parts. I don't usually shave my thighs becuase I don't really grow a lot of hair there. But I do get a lot of little pimples. so tomorrow I am going to start using it on my thighs to see if the exfoliating part will help with the pimples.

My first impression is that is probably a great product for the woman who has a lot of time to tend to her stems and doesn't want to use a razor or hair removal cream. It took me a good five minutes per leg. The final result was slightly stubbly, kind of like using a dull razor. I'm guessing that as the week goes on the results will get better. But we shall see.

forgot all about using the damn thing

started using on one leg but had to chase three year old around to keep him from drawing on the walls.... forgot about it

remembered it looked at it..... too tired to spend 10 minutes per leg. But used the lotion...

I really like that lotion! makes my legs very smooth...

Couldn't stand the hairy legs anymore, but didn't want to wear out my arms with the buffer... used my razor... cut my legs to hell.... used the lotion... damn I really like that stuff... they should market it on its own....

Feeling guilty for not using the product again..... only one more day left on my trial... damn it...

So here I sit feeling extremely guilty that I only used the actual hair removal product once. I wish it had been easier to use. Some thing that would have taken a few minutes rather than (at least) ten minutes per leg. I think it is a great product, just not for a mom with a very busy life.

I must however rave about the lotion. This stuff is great! it leave my legs feeling vey smooth and only after a few days of using it I can tell that my hair is growing in a little softer and finer. which is awesome!! Unlike most other lotions that say they make your hair grow in finer and less frequently this one doesn't burn and it does not have a heavy perfume to it. It smells very clean and goes on easy. No grease, no stickiness.

So here is my over all review:

Smooth Away is a very good product that actually does what it says. But it can be time consuming. The lotion that you can buy seperately from the hair removal system does what it says and is a great product all on its own. If I were rating this on a scale of 0-5 stars I would give it 4 stars.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I'm making it official

On Thursday I bought a book that I have been thinking about getting for the last few weeks. It caught my eye in a book store and ever since I have been researching it. I was impressed with its credentials and spokes-persons. But the deciding factor for me was an interview that Ashton Kutcher gave on the Tonight Show about using this book.

What is this book? you ask.

It is entitled "How to Stop Smoking the EASYWAY" its written by a man named Allen Carr.

At first I didn't believe the claims that were made on his website. I was even hesitant to believe the words of one of my favorite actors, Sir Anthony Hopkins. The stats on this method seemed to be doctored. But still I bought the book.

And I read the book.

And I quit smoking the EASYWAY.

It has been 4 days since my last cigarette. and I can say that while I am still battling the "little monster" it is definitely not nearly as bad as I had thought it would be. Allen Carr's method is quite probably the best there is. Even if you are skeptical (like I was) you won't be after you read the book.

He says that his seminars have a more than 90% success rate. And now I believe him.

Hell I can't imagine why he doesn't have a 100% success rate.

I can't express my gratitude for this book. I know that it has literally saved my life. Without it I would still be smoking, there is no question in my mind about that.

Monday, February 9, 2009

There's bad luck... and then there's me....

So in my life there are 2 definites.

The first is that I have the worst luck ever. I am like a walking bundle of bad mojo.... ask anyone who is regularly very lucky... when I am around things go to shit rather quickly...

The second is that my worst luck ever is sometimes the best thing that can ever happen to me. For instance: if everything is going to shit around me, I can usually sit down and watch it happen with little to no actual harm to my person. its rather funny to watch the world come crashing down around you...

Its not as bad as it seems most of the time... because usually I come out better off in the end.

Today starts my endeavor to find a roommate that can replace my ex-boyfriend. keep your fingers crossed. and for those of you who live in the Vegas area.... if you know anone who is willing to pay $750 - $800 a month (depending on the electric bill) for a master bedroom suite and full access to the rest of the house, please send them my email addy....

wish me luck.... lord knows I need it

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

Friday, February 6, 2009

The origin of my Title

Here I am just minding my own business when suddenly someone visits my site. This just isn't any someone this is someone who looked for me. Well, maybe not me, but they definitely used the phrase "so sue me" in their search criteria.

I use the most awesomest stat counter ever My thanks go out to Mooog of Mental Poo, which is probably one of the funniest undiscovered humor blogs ever. He should be getting praises everyday.

Mooog has been a sort of mentor for me in the blogosphere. So thanks Mooog and keep the Poo flowing.

But I have digressed.

I am always curious when someone does an Internet search and comes up with my blog and then visits it. So I always do a search for the exact same keywords.

"So Sue Me" came up with a bunch of different things but the most important is that my blog was on the first page! WOO HOO!

And the next most important is a website that explains the origins of the phrase. Click here to read the article. I found it enlightening.

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Global Cook Book

Fuel my blog is really a great resource for bloggers. You can get all kinds of cool advice on promoting your blog, not to mention the cool free stuff you can get just by being a member!

Last December they compiled together a global cookbook, the content was entirely provided by us users and they ended up with 38 exciting home recipes!

"The result is pretty impressive given that none of us are professional book editors or cooks - more importantly it is a tactile example of what the fuelmyblog community is about: people from all over the world from different walks of life joining together to share and give." ~fuelmyblog

You can get more information on the cookbook by checking out this link, or by visiting the fuelmyblog blog here.

Any sales proceeds from this book will go to Stop Hunger.

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

Damn Milestones

Guess what this is....

Come on...


This is my 100th post. Yeah scary isn't it. I figured I would take a look back and review some the shit that has happened here... but then I realized that my sanity just might not make it.

Then I heard about this cool thing where a blogger tells their readers 100 things about themselves.... but I can't think of 100 different things... Oh I'm sure I could come up with them, but do you really care to read 100 things about me? Heck I don't even want to do that.

So then I thought.....

What the eff man...

How am I supposed to mark this momentous occassion? How does one celebrate their 100th blog post?

I just threw a party for my birthday, so people might be partied out. I know of at least 2 other bloggers who hit the big 100 this week, so even if I did have a party the guest list might be small. No sense in making all that virtual fench onion dip if no one is going to show up to virtually eat it.


No clue.

I am at a loss.....

ok so I wrote down 100 things about me that you either may or may not already know about me. I'm a geek so I keep some percentage dice in my desk drawer... I rolled them to determine which ten to share with you... and with out further ado:

10 things of a hundred about me

12. I play the Viola
20. I used to fit into a size 8 jeans (when I was 19 & 20)
29. I like to play D & D
35. I think clowns are creepy
52. My favorite color is Blue
63. I want to be a librarian when I grow up
71. I am an insomniac
74. I'm afraid of falling from any height
83. I love and own cats, but secretly I'm a dog person
93. Stephen King is my favorite author

If for some unknown reason you want to know more, just post a comment with the number you want to know (between 1 and 100) and I'll comment back with the interesting tidbit about me that falls on the list at that number. easy peasy.

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Product Testing

Ok Ok

So When I signed up to add my blog to I clicked on the little check that says I would be interested in testing new products. I never ever ever imagined that I would be selected as a tester. But I have been. The rules are simple I just have to test a product and then post a blog about it.

So the product I have been selected to test is a hair removal product. Which is cool because I am a rather hairy female (that's a joke). Supposedly this product is so gentle it can be used in "the most sensitive" of areas. To me that means I can keep my va-jay-jay hair in order without the fear of putting a sharp razor blade near my tender nether lips.

Since I abhor being bushy I have in the past braved the dangers or razor burn and nicks in that special area. Last night I tried the product on my legs first..... it worked ok.

So what I am planning on doing is keeping a one week log on my use of the product and then posting one single blog about it. Soo in exactly one week Come back and read my review!

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

A virtual Parade in honor of a special little girl

Hello all. I wanted to pass along some info to you my favorite Blogin' Buddies.

There is an incredible story about a brave little girl who fought cancer and lost the battle. She passed away on friday. Her parents in their home town are encouraging people to join them in an actual parade on Saturday the 7th in honor of their little girl.

My Blog Buddy Lee over at MWOB has suggested that we show our support as well by having a virtual parade.

Click here to visit MWOB and learn more about what we are planning on doing.

Check back Monday to see my pics

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

Changing Colors

So it seems that I am again restless with my colors. I found this color scheme and I really like it. I think I'll stick with it for now.

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

Monday, February 2, 2009

The flow

I'm in this strange poetic mood.

What I mean to say is that the poetry flowing my pen is not my usual style, nor my usual subject matter. I know why I'm in the poetry mood. Bruce* (my super muse).

Its not neccessarily that he inspires the words that flow from my pen. Its more that when I am near him the door to my creative primordial self is opened a little wider. Its just something that happens.

The other strange thing about the poetry... it comes from real emotions, but it seems to take on a life of its own. The simple feeling of loss, or the complicated one of love, the convuluted nature of anger and the unknown of death. Recently all of them have been magnified within my poetry.

It could be that the crazy planet in charge of communications is a little wonky right now. Mercury retrograde. God I hate this time of year (and the other times it happens through out the year). Nothing ever comes out like I intend. But in this case I am pleaseantly surprised.

My stuff has an edge to it, a cadence that speaks on its own. The words are simple but they spread out across the page like the web of a thousand spiders. Interconnected and yet so seperate.

So now my notebook runneth over.

I am, in my opinion, and accomplished spoken word poet. I am still a bit of an ametuer but, I am damn good. I have qualified for two seperate Nationals Slam teams (one of which will actually go to the nationals and the other will not). I have been asked to feature at 2 seperate venues. One feature has been completed. I was a little dissappointed by it. (Bruce* slept through the whole thing LOL) But this next one I am very excited about.

It will be on Feb 10th (thats a tuesday) at Rejavanate Coffee shop on 3300 E Flamingo Rd. Las Vegas, NV 89121 at 7pm. I am totally stoked! They asked me a few months ago to do a feature and was scheduled to do it at the begining of this month, but with scheduling conflicts and the like I was rescheduled to Feb 10th.

Well since the begining of my spoken word poetry venture I started writing more poetry (I wasn't really much of a poet before). And I began keeping it in a regular 1/2" binder inside of sheet protectors. Well I only had a few spare protectors. And now my notebook runneth over. I don't have enough protectors for everything I have written and I am putting two sheets into each protector! (for the cool front and back printed effect)

I have organized the poems I intend to do next week into the front of my binder. But I will also be taking requests. If any of you have heard or read anything I have done (most of it is posted over on the other blog) and you would like to request that I perform it, I will gladly do so. Just leave a comment.

I am going to be recording this particular performance. And as soon as I can figure out how to get the video uploaded from my camcorder to the computer I'll post it here as well as on YouTube.

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Again new stuff

My fingers have been fairly flying accross the keyboard! I have two new pieces posted over my othere site. you can read them here. Keep an eye out for more! I'm on a roll!!

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.