Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I'm a Schmuck

So in my previous post about my BIG talk with Bruce* it seems I made it sound like he was a schmuck... I did not reread it before I posted it. But now that I have reread it I am appalled at how I make it sound.

The feeling I tried but failed to convey was that I had overdone it. I tried too hard. I did not even mention that while my new hair cut is cute, my sister curled it, and I really did not like it curled. Actually I thought I looked like I was either too young trying to look more grown up or too old trying to look younger...

No matter what Bruce* wears he looks great. He has a confidence about him that makes you look past the material he is clothed in.

The talk itself was actually very easy. It's probably the only time a guy has talked to me about not being in a relationahip with me that I actually understood why. He was very sweet and really did not want to hurt me. Of course he didn't hurt me, I hurt myself. duh. He has been nothing but honest from the beginning.

We really were moving too fast. In all of our original talks we had been pretty adamant about being friends first (both of us). But somehow things got away from us. Who knows how it happened it just did.

The only reason I am as upset about this as I am is that I really was starting to fall for him. He is amazing. He is patient and caring and one of the most thoughtful people I know. He takes what you say into consideration. He listens and understands. He never criticizes me, even when I really deserve it.

You don't meet many men like that (hell you barely meet women like that). How could I not fall for the guy? My last two relationships were with men, nay boys, who were selfish and could not have cared less what my feelings were. They were self absorbed to the point where if things did not go their way in our relationship it was always my fault. I didn't have a high enough sex drive, or my attention to my responsibilities took attention away from them. My want to better myself was a personal assault on them. If I wanted to dress up or look nice they thought I was trying to be a snob or make them look bad.

This is probably where the whole feeling overdressed thing came from. I got so programmed by these two guys to never try harder that when I did dress up for Bruce*, I felt like I was overdoing it (even when he said I looked really pretty).

What it boils down to is that I have issues that I am learning to work through. Sometimes I make mistakes. Sometimes I don't even realize what I am doing untill someone says something to me. Sometimes I catch them myself and am able to correct them. And Sometimes I wander blindly around making mistakes and screwing things up and I don't even realize I'm doing it untill its too late.

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.

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