Why I will never do it again.

Saturday morning I was a complete wreck. I stayed the night friday with Bruce* becuase I knew I would need a ride after the procedure was done. After talking the week previous it was decided that Bruce* (being the kind and generous person he is) would care for me on saturday and sunday. My mom took my son for the weekend and came up with a cover story for me to tell Baby Daddy. He really doesn't ever need to know.

Back to Saturday Morning. We were waiting outside of the clinic becuase we got there a little early. Finally the doors opened and we were allowed inside. EZ showed up shortly afterward.

I was called to the back for an ultrasound. They needed to determine how far along I was. It showed me to be between 5 and 6 weeks. Early. which should mean easy.

Through the question and answer process of the morning it came to their attention that I am allergic to both narcotic and opiate based drugs. They don't have any sedation methods that aren't narcotic or opiate based. I have to have this procedure done with no sedation. But they assure me that I am so early in my pregnancy that the local anesthetic that they will inject into my cervix should be enough.

Finally I am on the table. My legs are raised in that most unflattering pose. They hit me with the anesthetic and wait for it to take aaffect. My lips get tingly and go a little numb. This is an indication that the anesthetic is working. So they get started.

From the the very first I can feel everything that they are doing. The anesthetic didn't work. And since they had started they couldn't stop. I went through the entire procedure with no pain killer, no sedation, no anesthetic.

This was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. It was like having a womb filled with knives. The pain was unbearable. They had to hold me down. I was crying hysterically and screaming. There was nothing I or they could do.

Afterwards I had to walk to the recovery area. Where it was bitterly cold. They finally found a painkiller injection they could give me. But it was a low dose, and besides making me not care that I was in the midst of the most awful pain ever it didn't help. They couldn't prescribe me any painkillers for after either. I was sent home with the admonition to get a bottle of extra strength tylenol and to stay off me feet for the next two days.

I will never put myself through that again. I am on birth control now. A low dose pill. And if by some strange fluke that I ever do get pregnant again, I will keep the baby. Becuase giving birth and caring for a child is so much better than putting myself through that again.

I have not changed my views on abortion. I still believe that every woman has the right to make that choice for herself. I am that one in a million statisitc that is allergic to the most common piankillers, narctoics and opiate based drugs. So I am confident that very very few women ever have to experience the pain that I did.

I have been through it. I have made the choice both ways now. I anticipate that I will never have to make that choice again. As soon as I am old enough I am going to have a tubal ligation. For now I am on the pill.

It is at this point that I would like to take a moment and give a big heaping dose of giving credit where it is due.

Bruce* is amazing. I love him so much. Since our reconciliation he has been 100% supportive. He took care of me that weekend. And He did a better job than I think anyone else could have done. He was gentle and thoughtful. He kept my spirits up and keept me laughing. He provided me with so many distractions and ways to keep me entertained. And above all, he asked me how I was feeling. He let me talk about it. He let me cry. He let me laugh. He let me be myself. He is my best-friend. That weekend taught me that there is a depth to our relationship that we overlooked before. We truly are friends. Which is the most important thing in any relationship. I think we now know that there is more to US than sex. There is a deep and lasting friendship.

EZ has been just as amazing. She has also supported me. She has been my cheerleader. She is without a doubt the best Girl Friend I have ever had. She never berated me, she respects every choice I have made. I love her too. I well and truly love her.

My Mom is more amazing than I ever give her credit for. Sometimes she drives me nuts. But when I finally had the guts to tell her what I was doing she showed me a side to her that sometimes I forget about. She is my mom. She loves me without reservation. She had to have an abortion once too, and it helped to talk to her about it.

And lastly my Baby Sister, Sparky*. She too is an amazing person. She also supported me and helped me. She had an insight and wisdom that is beyond her years.

All in all I found that I have more supportive and caring people in my life than I could ever hope for. They have been awe-inspiring. Everyday since that horrible saturday morning I give thanks to the divine that I am so lucky to have these people in my life.

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.