Someone needs to speak up

As you may have heard I recently had an abortion.

The procedure was perfomed on Saturday morning.

I'm telling my story about why I decided to terminate my pregnancy becasue I think there hundreds of other women who have had to make this terrible decision, but are afriad to tell anyone. Also, becuase there are people who don't understand why some of us make this choice.

I made my choice becuase it was the logical thing to do. To be very honest if my situation were different I would not have had the abortion.

Let me explain.

I am a semi-single mom. My son's father does play an active role in our lives, and he does help to support our son. As a matter of fact he still lives with me. I hate it. We don't get along very well so we try as often as possible to not be home at the same time. And if we are we barely speak to one another. He is dealing with some major emotional issues that I think he needs professional help with. I have my own mental shit to deal with and if I am in his pressence for any longer than a minute he tries to talk about why our relationship ended. He is beating a dead horse. We have had this same conversation so many times I could do it in my sleep. It drives me nuts.

Now the ONLY reason he still lives with me is because I can not support my self and my son financially on my own. Which is sad considering I make good money. Recently my hours were cut from 40 or more a week to 35 or less, and I am in danger of needing to take another hour cut. Some people tell me to go looking for another job. HA! The job market in Las Vegas is the worst in the country right now. Our unemployment rate is hovering in the teens. At least 2 busineses close their doors every week. The lucrative jobs in the casinos are dissapearing. I am lucky that the company I work for is doing everything they can to keep form having to lay anyone off. I will gladly work for this company even if I'm only working 30 hours a week.

Why? Becuase right now it is better to work some where part time than to work no where full time. I will get to keep my benefits no matter how many hours they cut, and they have been very understanding with all the days I have had to take off recently. I count my lucky stars that I am gainfully employed and it will remain that way.

I have been taking a lot of time off recently for various reasons. The first is that I am in a court battle with my Ex-husband. Our divorced was finallized and I was awarded spousal support. He is refusing to pay. So now I have a lot of paperwork to fill out (becuase I can't afford a lawyer) and I have been to the courthouse so many times they know my face. I have a court date on Feb 17th. We'll see where it goes

The second reason is that back in December my son was tested for a learning disorder. Well at the beginning of this month They determined that he has a Developmental Delay. Which basically means if we don't start now on trying to help him it could turn into a learning disorder. So now he is enrolled in a Pre-K special education class. He goes 4 days a week for 2.5 hours a day. Lucky for me this program is through the school district. They provide transportation to and from his Daycare. The best part is that this is all free! WooHoo!

And the thrid reason is that I have been trying desperatley to better my living situation. This right now entails a bunch of different things. I applied for day care assitance. I finally got a lettter back about that. I am on the waiting list. I quaify but there is no funding at the moment. so I have to wait. I applied for Public housing. When I get into public housing I'll be able to support myself and my son. Which means no more living with Baby Daddy. Which will be so good for me. I called the housing authority and found out that they are 4 months behind on their application input so I may not even get on the waiting list till sometime in March. Which sucks. I was hoping to be moved by then. So now maybe I can work something else out for my living situation. It will take some major planning on my part but I maybe able to come up with a temporary fix till I can get into public housing.

The fourth reason is that I have had a lot of doctors appointments myself. In decemeber I went in for a routine Pap smear. At that same appointment I talked to my Doc about going on Birth control (haha). We decided to wait on my pap results before choosing a method. I wanted an IUD but I guess it's not good for everyone. So At the begnning of this month I got a call that my pap came back with some abnormal cells. which could indicate either HPV or cervical cancer. I was completely freaked by this becuase cervical cancer runs in my family. Well An update on that: I called to talk to my doc about coming in for a check up after my abortion, and ended up talking to her boss. My doc is on vacation this week. He talked to me about my pap. I guess they resent the smear to the lab and did some further testing. They did not find any indication of HPV or cancerous cells. So for now I have nothing to worry about from that end.

Also I have started seeing a therapist becuase I'm not coping very well with everything that has been going on.

Now we come down to the explaination of why all these things contributed to my choosing to get an abortion.

I can not in good faith have another child right now. I can't support the child I have right now on my own. Why would I make things even more difficult by having another child? Mentally I am not in a place where I can take care of another child. I am barely handling the one I have now. Plus at the time I found out I was pregnant Bruce* wasn't talking to me, and I had no reason to believe that he ever would again. I couldn't bring his child into this world with out his knowledge.

So now we come down to the nitty gritty.

I do not believe in abortion as a method of birth control. I think women who willy nilly go around having un protected sex and then using abortion as birth control are ignorant selfish people. I do not regret having unprotected sex with Bruce*. I knew the risks when we did it. For me sharing that ultimate bond with him was an amazing spiritul experience. I will never regret it. But I have learned my lesson. I am now on birth control, becuase apparently I am pretty damned fertile.

Speaking of spirituality. In my religion it is believed that a child does not have a soul until it takes its first breath. I have been taught that two souls can not exist in the same body, it would drive the minds of both mother and child insane. The soul of a child isn't choosen until birth and doesn't enter the body until the first breath of life. So spiritually I am ok with my choice.

I never even entertained the thought of adoption. Emotionally I would never be able to do it. I couldn't carry a child for 9 months and then give it life and them give that life into someone else's hands. No way. No way in hell. I would never be able to deal with it.

The point I am trying to make with this is that sometimes, for some women, abortion is the only option. These women are most likely in a situation like mine. Oh they maybe married, or they maybe single. Maybe they are perfectly fine financially, but mentally and emotionally not able to be a mother. Maybe they were raped and could never live with a daily reminder of that horrendous act. I know I wouldn't be able to. No matter what their situation no matter who they are, they are still good people. They are strong women.

Having an abortion is not as easy as most people think. Physically it is exhausting and painful. The recovery time from an abortion is longer than giving birth. Emotionally and mentally it is such a trying experience. I will forever live with the "What if". What if I had made another choice. I will live forever with the stigma of having chosen an abortion.

I do not regret having it done. But I can say that I will never do it again.

Tomorrow I will post about my actual experience. It was harrowing to say the least.

*names have been changed to protect the innocent, the a**holes and the clueless.