Wednesday, May 10, 2017

How to NOT be a Stupid-Ratchet-Crazy-Basic Bitch

Holy shit... its been a year since I posted anything. I was inspired by a friend to write an article. so here it is:

In this course, I will teach you how to release your inner crazy and become the cool laid back person that most other people want to date. I am going to be as gender neutral as possible because I have met just as many male Stupid-Ratchet-Crazy-Basic Bitches as I have female. We will address each issue in order.


I normally dislike the word “stupid” quite a bit. I think it is more derogatory than the word “cunt”. Trust me, you would rather have me call you a cunt than call you stupid. This first obstacle is the easiest to overcome. The next time someone says something that you disagree with you should not immediately start an argument. Instead find out why that person believes that way. Lets role play a bit.

Me: I really like Star Trek
You: Star Trek is for nerds!!!

This is wrong. Instead you should find out why I like it. Perhaps you have missed something in your interpretation of my belief.

Me: I really like Star Trek.
You: Really? I could never get into it. Why do you like it so much?
Me: I love the ideals that it sets forth for humanity….. [insert long conversation about the lessons of Gene Roddenberry]

Now you have gained some insight in to the personality of the person you are talking to. You can literally apply this to any topic of conversation. Politics, Religion, TV shows, Gun rights…. Any of them.

Stupid people would rather wallow in their ignorance of another person’s point of view. I am not saying that you must agree, only that you should educate yourself.


Just because a person wants to have sex with you DOES NOT mean they want to have a relationship with you. Sex and Emotions are very very very rarely tied together. SEX is the result of a physical attraction. That physical attraction can lead to an emotional relationship but not always; and not even often. A lasting relationship is built on the emotional attraction you have for another person. You should NEVER enter into a relationship simply because the other person is hot and is a good fuck. You can find a million hot good fucks anywhere you go, but that one person who makes your soul sing… that is an entirely different ball game.

NOW hold your horses.. I know that you can develop a nice physical relationship with a person that is strictly sex and platonic enjoyment of one another. Those are easy peasy and are a good way to keep the edge off of your sexual tension while you are on those 50 first dates trying to find the one frog who turns into a prince(ss). These are pretty good relationships. I like them. There is no pressure to be the perfect mate, just an accommodating lay. NOTE: this should be an even 50/50 relationship. You go to their place, they come to yours; you buy dinner one time, they buy it the next. If one of you is putting out more than the other this relationship is bound to end bitterly.

It is OK to be in a strictly physical relationship that has no emotional ties. It is ok to be in an emotional relationship with no physical ties. In both instances, you must be open and honest with each other about the kind of relationship you have and want. If at any point either of you is not satisfied then you need to end the relationship. Do not try to CHANGE it. If it is meant to evolve, it will. If it isn’t, it won’t! Nothing you can do will change that. NOTHING.

If you go on a first date with a person, and then have sex with them, NEITHER of you is obligated to a second date, or getting married. HOLY HAY-SEUSS it just a date… and its just sex. You are not even obligated to be exclusive or monogamous! You are obligated to say, “Thank you, I had a good time”. Even if the sex was bad, be courteous.

Along this same note. If you do not want a second date or a second sexual interaction then say so. Maybe not right then, wait a day. Give them a call or a text (the only time a text is allowable) and say something like “I had a great time, but I just don’t think a second time is going to happen. Good luck in your search!”. If you get one of these calls or texts you need to respond like a sane and rational human being… which leads us to….


No one, NO ONE, wants to deal with a psycho. And if they do then they are a crazy fuck as well and you should stay away. If you get the gentle brush off (or even a not gentle one), you are allowed to be sad/mad/confused. But those emotions are yours and are NOT the fault of the other person. The other person has been kind enough to let you know not to put your hopes into them. SAY THANK YOU. That’s it. Say thank you and move on. You can totes tell your friends what a douche that person was, but leave them alone. They don’t want anything to do with you and you should respect that, because one day you are going to be in a reverse situation and you will want the other person to respect your wishes. Pay it forward people….


Urban Dictionary defines a Basic Bitch as “Someone who is unflinchingly upholding of the status quo and stereotypes of their gender without even realizing it.” DO NOT DO THIS. Instead be you, the weird you that you never show anyone. The you that binge watches Start Trek and reads Phillip Pullman. The you that sings in the car and dances when no one is watching. Be that person all the time. If you do that then I can guarantee that you will attract someone who likes to do all those same things and you can then do them together. Maybe you will get lucky and they will want to do naked things with you as well.

In conclusion it is possible to have a satisfying physical and emotional relationship with another person and be happy. You just have to be willing to drop the societal norm of being a Stupid-Ratchet-Crazy-Basic Bitch. 

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Where was this 10-15 years ago? It coulda saved me so much trouble... Assuming I would have understood AND followed it. Which I most likely would not have done...